justira

Hey it's a post from that ridiculous/amazing/this is the worst idea/this is the best idea Make-Your-Own Meme "blog every day of November" thing! Original post/list of topics. Feel free to add more: LJ | DW — anon and openID welcome!

Quick note: I didn't post yesterday, so I'm doing two today. I was incredibly tired and this topic was hard and long and I wrung my hands quite a bit about skipping — I had so hoped to post every day. BUT I am also trying to work on not making myself unhealthy with my stubbornness and perfectionism, and this definitely falls in that category: I do not want to make myself sick. So. yeah =\


owlmoose: I'm curious to see more on your thoughts on writing versus art. How do you approach these two creative processes? How are they the same; how are they different? Really anything at all on the connections/disconnections would be great. (here)

OH GOSH.

Well all right. So. I am pretty obviously a media omnivore, but I also tend to think of myself as um, the reverse of that, whatever the production side is. I LIKE MAKING STUFF. Any kind of stuff! Fic and art are what I make most, but I actually dabble in a LOT of stuff? In fannish terms, specifically, I've finally started trying to make vids, which I'll post about later. But generally, I've always loved making things, like crafts (I crocheted a LOT for a while, and made macrame, but also generally I just MADE stuff); I used to be really into sculpture for a while, too, and actually made a few pretty neat things, my favourite of which is actually a fan sculpture of Skandranon the Black Gryphon. I really enjoy photography and really want to learn how to actually DO it. I have even attempted to write songs even though I know nothing about music.

BUT basically yeah, I do write and draw a lot, and my experiences have been very, very different.

One thing in common though is that I've never really taken classes in any of it. Art was one of my electives in middle school, but it was, like... you know, a pretty lackadaisical middle school art class? (whose instructor turned me off the US movie version of Wizard of Oz forever, by the way.) It was a place to DO art, not really a place to learn. The real exceptions were medium-specific: when I was younger, about 7-8, I learned to work in oils under a painter, and later (10-12?) I also once took a class in inks. But I've never been taught anatomy or lightning or perspective or colour theory or, well... anything except how to handle two tricky media. Likewise, for writing, I've never taken a creative writing course, never been taught anything about plotting or character development or worldbuilding or the technical/micro side of good writing. Pretty much everything I know about... any craft, really, I've learned on my own. Sometimes I lament this! More on that later. Anyway.


One more thing in common is that I tend to regard myself as deeply unoriginal — I have a lot of trouble coming up with ideas, especially since I feel like all my ideas have to be DEEP and IMPORTANT and MEANINGFUL. This affects both my art and my writing processes, though in slightly different ways. I'm still trying to convince myself that it's OKAY to just draw, or just write; it's okay to not have an earthshattering idea every time (or ever).


( The History )



So now. Now. I guess we'll start with art.



( Arting )


( Writing )



SO. Basically I am Insecurity City. But we know that already. I know that a lot of the improvement in how I interact with my art and arting process has to do with the projects I've done there and how hard I've worked on it. I do work hard on my writing, too, but I find it harder to find good regimented exercises there. I'm planning, after I finish this goddamn unending story, to try and do a lot more things like fic challenges, drabble challenges, anonmeme stuff, and suchlike.

And, finally and relatedly, I do often wish anyone had taught me... anything, really, about any of this. I'm proud of the skills I've managed to gain on my own, but there's a difference between trying to teach myself something like colour theory or plotting and being taught. For one, classes would give me that outsider perspective I need so much. I've been considering taking some classes, but! But I am not sure. Classes take time and money, and some stubborn part of me thinks I should just keep muddling along on my own. I don't know! Have any of you ever taken art or writing classes? how did that go! any thoughts?

Hey it's a post from that ridiculous/amazing/this is the worst idea/this is the best idea Make-Your-Own Meme "blog every day of November" thing! Original post/list of topics. Feel free to add more: LJ | DW — anon and openID welcome!

thebaconfat: you've mentioned before trying to get fit and/or eating salads; is that something you still struggle with? (here)


This post needs a disclaimer because there is Serious Business within! I am okay, I swear. I have resources and if I need help I will seek it, so please do not worry ♥ I am happy to discuss any of the topics mentioned herein, though =D


So I am really happy to have this topic (thaaaank you, thebaconfat!) because I've been meaning to talk about it for a while, and what's better than a blatant excuse?

So ages and ages ago, I mentioned that I would start biking to work due to giving my car away. And then I barely said anything about it ever again except for that one time I got hit by a car. Haha.

But actually the biking (and the salads; I will get to the salads, I swear!) has spawned a whole lot of thinking, and, poor thebaconfat, you have officially triggered my long-overdue post about health. I'm sorry, but you asked for (approximately 1/7th of) it.

Let's start with some backstory! My family has always been really big into sports, and always pushed our kids into sports. My grandmother was an equestrian and possibly actually a jockey (I don't remember =( ); she pushed my mother at horseback riding, gymnastics, and figure skating (my mom's butt was just too bony for the latter, lol) before the one that stuck: waterskiing. True fact: my mother was the waterskiing champion of the Soviet Union.

And that? That is my family's standard for sports and what I was held to throughout my childhood. Okay? Okay. =d

My uncle is a downhill skiier, and my dad is more into team sports; he likes volleyball and actively plays soccer and indoor soccer. Both of my sisters (they're 12 and 16 years younger than me, fyi) have been doing gymnastics since they were toddlers, as well as some horseback riding.

Me? I did gymnastics too (idek; it's a Soviet influence thing — gymnastics was really big), but what actually hit it for me was rock climbing. Starting from I think 9 years old, I began my career as a competitive rock climber. That was training every day, in one form or another, for several hours at a time when it was a straight climbing session (as opposed to a stretching or running or strength training day or wev). There were competitions every other week or every third week or so. Please note that it in no way occurred to me that this might be excessive or even unusual for a kid my age. It's just what was expected, right?

( More fitness! )


For now, we turn to SALADS.



So I have some long-standing issues with eating.

Let's start out with this: I was mildly anorexic when I was younger, and I still have body image issues.

[TW for some anorexia discussion] When I was a young teen though, I was convinced that I should weigh less than 100 pounds. Anything above that was obviously fat and terrible and we all know the drill. That tiny amount of fat on my stomach was obviously unacceptable. (Keep in mind, this is when I wasn't that temporally divorced from being a child athlete.) I often surreptitiously skipped meals.[/TW]

I did not realize at the time that these thoughts and eating habits (more on those in a sec) were, you know. Anorexia. This is actually a very recent discovery, in the past year or so (since I've been thinking a lot about health this year), where I thought back on this and went, holy shit. I was anorexic! Only mildly, but still. Holy shit!

I... probably still am? It's complicated.

So me and food, we didn't really start out on the right foot. And then there were three more problems: money, depression, and a surprise.

( More on salads! )


And now we are at the present! Let's review.

I have depression.
I have a history of disordered eating.
I have workout-induced asthma.
I have tendon issues in my shoulders.
I have less severe tendon issues in my knees.

At this point, I had done almost zero physical activity for about 1.5 years.

So this is when I started biking.

My area is very hilly, and the commute's about 5-6 miles, depending on route and if you're counting the up-and-down (I SURE DO). I use a hybrid/mountain bike, not a city/street bike, so it's not feather-light or anything.

The first day I biked in, it was about 95 degrees out and it took me almost two and a half hours and lots and lots of asthmatic wheezing (did I mention I'm stubborn?). That's like less than 2.5mph. That was. That was very sad.

But I made it to work. And then I even made it home at the end of the day.

And then very shortly after that I got sick, and stayed sick.

I picked up biking again late in the summer. After some small improvement pre-sick and the nice long "rest", my first time biking in again: I did it in one hour.

Now, about three months after that, I consistently do it in half an hour or even a little less. That's almost 11mph. That's somewhere between 4 and 5 times as fast as when I started, and absolutely no wheezing anymore.

I know 11mph is really not much as far as biking goes, but it means a lot to me.



I've learned a lot in the past year, about myself, my body, my relationship with my body, my health. About health in general! Both mental and physical. I've spent a lot of time lurking in social justice circles this past year, and that's included skulking around disability activism and fat acceptance. I've watched (and infrequently participated in) some very interesting conversations there.

I still have thin privilege, but the fat acceptance movement helped me a lot. Which I'm very grateful for. It was probably all the reading I did there that helped me identify that, shit, I had some pretty disordered eating in my past. I learned about Health At Every Size. I tried to foster a better relationship with food. And I tried really really hard to accept that the weight I had gained as a result of my meds was okay. It did not mean I was terrible. I tried...

I tried to accept my body. Which is where we hit snag. (Note: I've been talking about the fat acceptance movement in particular, rather than the general body acceptance that it's part of, on purpose.)

Something hadn't been sitting quite right with me, with all the feminist and body-acceptance messages I had been hearing about loving my body and "health" at every size. I'd been meaning to blog about it for a while, because the ideas had slowly coalesced. Things like:

• I am permanently injured. I can't do many things I used to enjoy as big parts of my life. I don't want to love this.


• I have depression. It steals my spoons. Is this health? What IS health?


• My physical therapist AND my therapist both recommend light exercise.
  
  I look at my PT and think: I am so depressed. How will I be able to get up and do this?
  
  I look at my therapist and think: my physical injuries make this so hard.
  
  And I don't say anything


• I'm not cisgender. (Have I mentioned that? Haha.) My body is, on a fundamental level, not quite right for me. I have a hard time loving that I inhabit it.

There were just so many intersections where it wasn't working for me.

And then I read this: Conversations About Body Image: A Place at the Table for Me?. And I think it really helped coalesce a lot of my thinking. I recommend it to anyone interested in these issues, just as something to get some thoughts moving. Then there was a follow-up post: Further Conversations On Body Image: Examining Health at Every Size (HAES). This in turn led me to the Fat Nutritionist (whose posts I'd run into before) and this post, linked in the aforementioned follow-up: The obligation to be healthy at every size. I recommend this post SUPER HARD: it's a quick read but everything in it needs saying and hearing, and it contains some great links. I REALLY love that post, and recommend Fat Nutritionist all around, as awareness of social issues like poverty is part of her outlook on nutrition, and I love it. I want to quote two parts from it, once already quoted by s.e. smith, and one that struck me personally.

It is sad that this even needs to be said, but given the fact that we essentially live in a health meritocracy, let me be the first to announce:

You are under no obligation to be healthy.

And, as an addendum: even if you were, eating “well” and exercising wouldn’t guarantee your success. There. I’ve said it. And as much as this might chap the ass of every health promoter out there, I feel that personal agency and a basic sense of privacy are sorely missing from most conversations of health promotion, and from conversations of Health at Every Size.

and

This, despite the fact that the definition of health itself has not even been definitively pinned down, that it has evolved through numerous variations through the years, and will likely continue to evolve. Despite that nutrient requirements are different for each person. As are genetic profiles, family histories, and every single one of the social determinants of health.

The factors that determine health are different for everyone — which means it is up to you to decide what to do. No one can do it for you.

I don't have any answers yet, really. I just find myself at the intersection of a lot of things, and fumbling around, trying to find what works best for me.

So about those salads!

I have kind of failed at the salads. But I'm working on it. I think I've come a long way, and I... I really want to be proud of myself for that. I'm slowly restoring myself to a reasonable level of physical activity. And honestly, I still cry (did I mentioned I used to cry about this a lot) sometimes when I think that I will probably never be able to seriously take up tae kwon do or iaido again. But I might still be able to do tai chi. And I might, maybe, one day, get back into rock climbing. Maybe I could even play soccer again. Maybe I could do something new, and try to swim, to help with my lungfail.

And I'm not... I'm not really okay with the fact that my body will never ever be back to the way it used to be. Not really. But I still think I've come a long way. I still have bad, self-destructive thoughts, but I'm trying. I try to eat; my partner tries to make sure I eat. I buy clothes in my new size. I try to tell myself that my new body, my changed body, my injured body, my body that's irrevocably different after such big sudden weight gain and almost equally large loss — I try to tell myself that it's still mine, for all that I feel kind of disassociated from it on the gender front. It's the only one I have, and while I doubt I will ever have an entirely good relationship with my body, I can at least stop trying to punish it for being mine.

... and try to eat more damn salads.



So that's biking and salads. And a little extra >.>

I just managed to royally piss off my boss, which I have never done before. It was awesome because I did it by accident/out of ignorance (though ignorance is no excuse), so I had that great experience where I am bewildered as to what I did wrong and then the yelling starts and I feel like the biggest goddamn idiot in the whole world.

And boy, did I get yelled at. Very explicit cursing and threats (of the "demonstrating my seriousness" kind, not the "I would actually do this" kind, but still super unpleasant) may have been involved. A lot. This is from the boss who has loved me and my work here for years.

I feel like a damn fool and a fuckup. I could just. Really use some macros or cheery conversation =|

So maybe it's time to panic like a lot. Maybe y'all already know this, but I write SUPER SLOW. Unfortunately (or perhaps the opposite), I also write SUPER LONG. As it happens, I also have a DEADLINE. SLOW + LONG + DEADLINE = PANIC, yes? SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

I am feeling somewhat insecure about this one (when do I not? FATHOMLESS WELL OF INSECURITY, RIGHT, GUYS???), in large part because it's such a heavily thematic piece, and theme is HARD to work this deep without being tremendously ham-handedly obvious. Also, har har, I haven't published any thematic pieces yet! I have plenty in progress (apparently theme is the new black) but none have been put up for public scrutiny. And because I'm an idiot and don't have enough to worry about, I have for some reason worked in a strange new style, too. HAR HAR, IRA. HAR HAR.

In other news I also feel guilty because I want to do multiple gifts but I DON'T HAVE TIME, especially since I owe a lot of art, some of it ALSO for an exchange. I can't DO anything about that right now cause I don't have a scanner available to me, but still. GUILT GUILT GUILT.

So, where am I sitting? On about 1,500 words -- not bad, for me, considering I spat them out in one afternoon. Of course, the prospects grow rather dim when I realize that this story, told the way I want to tell it, will be at least 10,000. AT LEAST. This is what I get for picking a topic about which I can meta all day long.

MEANWHILE, bottle_of_shine and lassarina have the GALL to leave me out of the mass suicide party! They think I will be the mod to come and beat them with a stick for defaulting! How dare they imply such fortitude! How dare they imply that I am not a MERE MORTAL?! What kind of modly example do they think I'm setting? I'M GONNA E-DIVORCE YOU GUYS.

Yo, regann, megakazul, and siva630

I owe you all gift art. LIKE WHOA.

( The rest of you people can move along )

I R TARD ._.

So, I've got an art-related question. Does anyone remember this drawing of Lucci and hungover Paulie? Well, I liked the idea a lot, but the execution was not that great. I've actually been drawing again this week, thanks in large part to having to get off my ass and try to kick-start ff_100 again.

Well, I'm trying to redraw the idea. Except, you know. Better. The problem is, I don't know if the new version is better than the old one. Can you guys help me out here?



( In-progress artses under cut )

I asked yaznall when I was home last night and he said that he liked the sketchiness and general feel of the old version better, and I think I agree. I can always make this new one messier (yay, pencil tool!), but I'm not sure if it's worth it. There's also that hangup I have where I feel that I can only nail a given expression once. Did I make enough things better? I think I can recapture the grunge if I try, but I'm not sure that I made the second version better enough to be worth it.

Any thoughts?

Plus, if I abandon this second version I can go draw my new obsession, Kratos from Tales fo Symphonia. Or finish regann's ff_100 thank-you-for-entering art. Or draw some Seifer/Zell to lure bottle_of_shine out of whatever hole she fell in to (where are you?).

... I was going to cleverly add "*is lazy*" after the bit about dropping this makeover project but then I got into my list of OTHER stuff I need to be doing and realized that no, I'm not lazy. It's more along the lines of irretrievably crazy with a side of off-and-on criminal lethargy.

Well. I am now the proud owner of a 401(k). This actually rocks pretty hard. I've got a good benefits package now that I've made the temp to permament transition. I am also somewhat dismayed at myself for thinking a 401(k) is cool. I am losing my hipster edge. Woe, woe, woe!

But seriously, I'm somewhat boggled. I'm only 20, but I've got investments up the wazoo. I mean, I always figured, I'm not a big spender. I don't really have much in my life that I spend a lot of money on right now. Later on though? Hell yeah. Cars, houses, insurance, all that icky grownup stuff. I mean, compare. My current moneywasters as opposed to what I'll need later on. Video games, manga, art supplies, clothes once in a blue moon, books vs. mortgage payments/rent, car payments, insurance, student loan payments and books. Do I need more money now... or later? TOUGH QUESTION.

So basically I've been spreading money through various funds, stocks, and other investments since I was 18. I've got stocks, I've got high-interest savings accounts (whee, being an immigrant!), and now I have a 401(k) which I plan to max out like whoa. Social Security, you ain't got SQUAT on me, even though you eat a third of my paycheck. Hobag.

>.>

<.<

I FEEL OLD.

I think I know the source of this wangst, though. It's Anakin. It's all Darth Vader's fault. Y'see, I've had Star Wars Episode III playing on repeat for over a week and I think the constant wangsting finally got to me. (For those who don't understand why I would possibly have that movie -- or anything else -- on repeat for a week, it's because I work really really poorly in silence, so it's been a habit of mine since I was about 14 to always have a movie I know well playing in the background. This way the auditory input is varied but constant and something I'm familiar with so I don't get distracted trying to listen and figure it out.)

Or actually, no, it might be Ann Coulter's fault. In my crusade to form my own opinions (and entertain myself in the process), I took lambspam's advice and started reading How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must). I've gotta say, I don't think I've ever been more offended, flabbergasted, or laugh-out-loud amused. Maybe she's the one responsible for my WOE WOE WOE-ful state as of late. My political education continues, however. Which demagogue should I investigate next?

Speaking of politics, wow, election. I'm glad I get up ass-early anyway (5:30, usually) so voting won't be a problem. Dude. Yo. All you of-age people on my flist.

VOTE.

I don't even care who for, just do it.

Well, okay, I do care, quite a lot, but it's more important to me that people involve themselves in the political process at all. So please vote. It's kind of important.

Okay, man, I'm grownuped-out for today. Actual causes for wangst: running grand_line_vine is hard, my writing is not cooperating at all, neither is my drawing, because of being majorly sick with tonsillitis for the past MONTH I'm behind schedule at picks_n_paeans, and it's been way too long since Axel appeared on screen as I play through KH2.

So, help me out here, flist.

One Piece fans please help.

If you're on my flist and you like One Piece you probably know that I run grand_line_vine and probably also that one of the sections there is Editor's Choice, where I and the other editors rec stuff.

Well both of the other editors who used to work with me have asked to leave, for perfectly legitimate reasons pertaining to their offline lives. That's fine, and I'm grateful they could help me for the time they did. As far as I understand it, both indicated that they would probably return once their lives quieted down. I think. One of them pretty sure, the other I'm not sure.

Regardless, this puts me in an awkward situation. I am now the only editor doing recs, and that feels unfair. I do not want that section to become the justira variety hour. The section is there to put forward a mix quality work, not to be my soapbox. I already have one all my own over at picks_n_paeans. If I want to rec One Piece stuff (and I do) then I have a place to do it.

So my question is: Should I keep the Editor's Choice section?

Things to consider:

1) Not enough people are submitting fandom recs. If that section were producing any steady stream (even a trickle) of recs, then I would have no qualms about closing the Editor's Choice section, at least until there is someone else other than me who can also rec. The three sections (New, Editor's Choice, Fandom Recs) are supposed to balance each other. More to the point, the Editor's Choice is there to provide recs until Fandom Recs becomes a steady source of recs, since the New section is 100% inclusive and has no quality control whatsoever.

2) Do people actually use this section? Do they like the recs therein? Do they use one section (art vs. fic) more than the other?

3) Should I close the section just until other people come who will rec with me? Should I close it all together? Should I keep going on my own? Speaking of which, if you want to rec with me, pretty please apply.

4) Seriously, I don't want that section to be my soapbox. If people are fine with it being just me in there I can keep doing it, but if the idea bothers anyone else as much as it does me, I'd rather go. The Vine isn't there for me, it's there for readers. Hell, I mean, I'm an elitist bitch when it comes to fanworks -- it would be horrible if the Vine was run according to my tastes. And I don't even want to start that, not even one section, which I was nervous about from the start, even when there were three different people doing it.

Your input, please. Please. I'm trying to serve people as best as I can. Please feel free to respond here or on today's issue of the Vine, where I have included an announcement summarizing the siuation.