Hey it's a post from that ridiculous/amazing/this is the worst idea/this is the best idea Make-Your-Own Meme "blog every day of November" thing! Original post/list of topics. Feel free to add more: LJ | DW — anon and openID welcome!

[livejournal.com profile] thebaconfat: I would like you to make a post sharing things that you like about yourself (here)

SOMEHOW, [livejournal.com profile] thebaconfat knows ALL MY WEAKNESSES. HOW.

Well okay. So straight up: this post is really hard for me. I am much more comfortable talking about how I suck rather than how I rock. And I mean, in the following, I am not trying to be modest or anything — when I DO actually believe something of mine is awesome, I ROLL IN IT AND WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT and it's probably pretty obnoxious, really. LUCKILY that does not happen often. So no, I am not modest >.>

But backing up a bit! So last post I mentioned that I have depression, and this is just a true thing! It has helped severely screw up my self-confidence (my family helped cover most of the rest!) and I mean, I know intellectually that my sense of myself is probably not accurate. But it remains true: being depressed kind of makes me NOT WOWED BY MYSELF?

I have this other complex where I am convinced that I am an arrogant monster just waiting to happen. Like if I let myself believe I am even a little bit awesome, I will become this huge arrogant asshole. So I cannot let myself believe anything awesome about me OR THE WORLD WILL END, TRUFAX. IT WILL BE SWALLOWED IN THE ABYSS OF MY ARROGANCE. Though on a more serious note (though, all of this is dead serious, I just talk about it like it's funny >.>), I've noticed that complexes of either arrogance or self-confidence tend to carry a flip-side of the other. Lots of arrogant people with secret self-esteem issues — and people like me, stomping on arrogance (or perceived arrogance) by keeping ourselves down.

In turn, I tend to regard anything I produce as terrible by default, because I made it, right? Therefore it is automatically as terrible as I am! THESE ARE JUST TRUE FACTS ABOUT THE WORLD, ALL RIGHT? But again with the tone-whiplash: every scrap of confidence in my crafts I have gained through MUCH, MUCH effort. (Which doesn't mean I don't welcome criticism — I LOVE constructive crit and in general I find criticism of any kind easier to buy and believe and accept and deal with than compliments?)

But all of that is reasons why making a list of things I like about myself is hard, but I still mean to do the thing, you know?

So I guess the chief thing I like about myself is that, while I'm convinced that I am basically not-awesome and everything I produce is at best mediocre by default, I DO keep constantly trying to improve myself. I am pretty proud of that, really? I work hard on me and my skills, and this gives me hope that even though I believe I suck now, maybe it won't always be that way.

I also like that I am pretty willing to take criticism and believe I may be in the wrong? I mean, this is just another way of saying that I am ready to believe bad things about myself, which in the present context is kind of hilarious to claim as a THING I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF, but... it's true? (And I know it doesn't help with the self-hatred complex if I LIKE that I do it, I knowwww.) But I have definitely dealt with people who just will not believe that they could be wrong or just cannot take criticism, and I like to think that I am not like that! Although SOME HAVE ARGUED that I swing way too hard in the other direction and am TOO ready to believe that I am wrong and that this makes it harder for me to stick by my opinions and generally not be a doormat. SOME HAVE ARGUED.

So those are two general things... or... well. Maybe one and a half general things. AT LEAST ONE general thing that I like about myself. I should try to add some specific things!

- I have worked very hard on my art lately, and while I am still not all like, DUDE MY ART IS AWESOME CHECK IT OUT, I do think I have improved a lot. I am proud of that, and I am also proud in my ability to even believe that about myself? Like I can ACTUALLY think "hey, I have improved at something and maybe I am kind of okay at it!" This may be sad, but I have worked really hard for that — not just the skill, but the ability to be proud of myself at ALL. (... as a note though, this doesn't apply to my writing, just my art.)

- I like that I am stubborn! This can get me in trouble (like when I give myself asthma attacks because I refuse to walk this hill truestory), but I also think it is pretty cool how determined I can be!

- I like that I am pretty open, though I usually frame this to myself as a bad thing, like I overshare and always talk about myself (haha this november meme, WHAT) and am SO self-centered. But we are FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE HERE and I can also frame this as me being frank and honest and candid? I HOPE?

- I like to think that I am pretty generous. If this is true about me, then it is something I can admire!

... and I am honestly, like. I can't really come up with anything else that will feel genuine. I have tried my best to be honest here, but part of that is saying that this really is difficult. I've given it an honest, earnest try, so I guess... I guess I will just let that speak for itself!
Dear Livejournal people: please do not repost any material from my journal to any outside service, including comments you make on my entries.

If I wanted this material to be on any other service, or if I wanted commentary on it on any other service, I would put it there myself. Please respect my wishes in this. Feel free to link stuff if you want to using the normal hyperlink method, but please do not use LJ's new echo feature.

For the record, I will never echo anything from anyone's LJ to any outside service, ever.

Thank you.

Now for some wankery: I've been slowly migrating more and more to DW anyway, and I've stopped posting fic to LJ entirely — I post pointers in this journal and LJ comms and actually host things only on DW. I've wanted to leave LJ for a long time but I... well, I like hearing from my LJ friends and posting in LJ comms. I like receiving comments here. I don't really want to keep supporting LJ just because I'm insecure, though =|

I don't expect anyone to move to DW (though I have like invite-code-palooza if you want any), but it's easy enough to follow people across sites using RSS and OpenID =\

Welcome to how my lines look when I don't clean them up! I had a shitty day at work, sorry guys. This doodle marks a whole month of daily doodles; I wish I had done better! I wish I had done better by Mufasa, too. I LOVED The Lion King; saw it in theatres on its original run and was TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE by Mufasa dying. Here's to you, Mufasa, you crazy awesome lion dude.
Time: 15 mins

Daily Doodle: Mufasa from Lion King )

Also, guys, I repeat! IT'S BEEN A WHOLE MONTH! No days missed yet, and I swear I've improved noticeably in just that short time. I really want to thank all of you who have left comments; I really appreciate it. But I most especially want to thank [personal profile] renay(DW)/[livejournal.com profile] bottle_of_shine(LJ) for prodding me into drawing every day. It really means a lot to me to have friends who will push me to improve =)



WHY does my [livejournal.com profile] ff_exchange story have OVER 12,000 WORDS and for all that is only like 2/3 done maybe if I am being generous? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Last time I wrote the 10,000-word first chapter of Clarion. This year apparently I am BOUND AND DETERMINED to outdo myself! Or beat Nay's 17,000 word FFEX gift length record. WHO KNOWS.

Either way this can only end in tears! There is ONLY A WEEK left until the beta deadline, GOD HELP ME I AM GOING TO DIE.

So, I've developed yet another fandom with yet another relationship that NO ONE will ever write about and that nobody even draws. This is pretty distressing, seeing as this is the case in ALL MY FANDOMS EVER AFKJLSDGJSFDIBGMCVNW$EOGTH@#QJWJSGKALGNSDIGN.


I promise this post has something to do with high school coming in handy.

The fandom, by the way, is Tales of Symphonia. Which was supposed to be, you know. A pretty large/active fandom. This was a total lie.

The relationship is, uh. Very spoilery. And, surprisingly (knowing me), not gay. I just like the general relationship between the two. Who, uh, happen to be Kratos and Lloyd. Now, Kratos is supposed to be the most popular character in the game, and Lloyd is not as annoying as some main RPG heroes can be (I liked him!).

But is there fic?


Is there art?


There isn't even art.

Desperate for some nice fluffy art, I've been searching EVERYWHERE. Deviantart, y!Gallery, Elfwood, Sheezyart, Fanart Central, Japanese sites. Finally, during today's lunch break at work, I gave up and googled it -- and got some results! Most of them, however, seemed to be reposts of images from other sites on a French blog.

I waffled around a little bit, and then decided to pull out my dusty French, shake it out, and take it for a walk.

I managed to explain my situation and ask where the blogger got those pictures. And I think I even did so passably well.

Ha! I wish I'd been looking for gay porn. Then I could truthfully say that the first time I ever used French since I took it in high school was to ask for gay porn. Damn.

PS: If any of y'all on my flist happen to know where I can find quality ToS fanworks OF ANY KIND, please make with the spilling. Oh pretty, pretty please. I'll, uh! Draw you things! Gimme?

Okay, WARNING: public display of elitism, arrogance, and self-aggrandisement ahead.


Professional web development firms, by the way, is the reason behind one of the projects I've been working on for a while, which is provisionally entitled PAEAN -- Professional Artistic and Electronic Assistance for Nonprofits. It's a non-profit organization I've been developing for a couple years now that does web design (and other artistic or technology-related) work for other charitable organizations for free. GOOD work. Standards-based, accessibility-checked. With a solid sense of aesthetics. I think that if you're doing good charitable work, you should NOT have to pay out the ass for some incompetent, profiteering company to build you a site that will crash next year. If you're helping orphans in Rwanda, I don't think you should get scammed and scalped like that. If you're helping lost kittens get adopted, I think solid web sites should be handed to you on a goddamn silver platter. And that's what I'm trying to do.

To those of you who think this is trivial, that web design (though I do mroe than design, as I've outlined above) doesn't matter, let me tell you that you're wrong. On the Internet and elsewhere, design matters a lot. It's a HUGE part of whether something is AT ALL USABLE. And the sad thing about a lot of nonprofits' websites is that they're really bad, really ugly, and really hard to use, both for people trying to make use of the charities' resources and for the charities themselves. I think this is awful, and I'm trying to change it.

Likewise, I am now officially appalled at the really ridiculous state of web development in the branch of the government I work for. And now that I've been put on this committee, I'm going to try and change that. I've got the power to do something amazing and fantastic here, and by God I am going to try to use it.

Oh, and a disclaimer. I don't want to dictate the internets or design any more than I want to dictate the various fandoms I've taken an interest and started newsletters, communities, and other projects in. There are subjective parts, yes, like what's pretty or ugly design. Some things, however, are simply the way the web is heading, led by brilliant people and industry champions, and that's the direction sites should be heading. You know, the future. Not being left behind in the internet morass of the mid-late nineties.

And by the way, I don't think that what I do -- all that stuff about being familiar with all aspects of web development -- is something that's extraordinary about me, nor that it should be. I finally thought of that analogy. It's like building a house. If you're building a house, you should have at least a passing familiarity with the principles of construction, architecture, design, basic accessibility, and physics. You should probably also know about or know where to go for information/contract work on electronics, plumbing, landscaping, and other particulars. You need to also know the building codes and other such regulations in your area. Well, the SAME THING applies to web design. You're building a home for yourself/others on the internet. These are things I WOULD THINK that any decent, self-respecting web developer should be familiar with -- design, coding, how servers and back-side stuff works, usability, accesbiility, specifications for the languages they work in. This shouldn't be something special -- this should be standard knowledge! I think that what I do and know is somewhere near the bare minimum of what a web developer should do. Apparently, I am alone in this belief.


Okay, I rarely go off like this. But I was pretty damn pissed there.

For once, I also won't be checking over this before I post it (highly unusual for me -- usually I go through a draft or two), so I apologize profusely for any mistakes.




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