justira ([personal profile] justira) wrote2010-11-10 10:18 pm

[Make-Your-Own Meme] Things I like about myself?

Hey it's a post from that ridiculous/amazing/this is the worst idea/this is the best idea Make-Your-Own Meme "blog every day of November" thing! Original post/list of topics. Feel free to add more: LJ | DW — anon and openID welcome!

[livejournal.com profile] thebaconfat: I would like you to make a post sharing things that you like about yourself (here)

SOMEHOW, [livejournal.com profile] thebaconfat knows ALL MY WEAKNESSES. HOW.

Well okay. So straight up: this post is really hard for me. I am much more comfortable talking about how I suck rather than how I rock. And I mean, in the following, I am not trying to be modest or anything — when I DO actually believe something of mine is awesome, I ROLL IN IT AND WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT and it's probably pretty obnoxious, really. LUCKILY that does not happen often. So no, I am not modest >.>

But backing up a bit! So last post I mentioned that I have depression, and this is just a true thing! It has helped severely screw up my self-confidence (my family helped cover most of the rest!) and I mean, I know intellectually that my sense of myself is probably not accurate. But it remains true: being depressed kind of makes me NOT WOWED BY MYSELF?

I have this other complex where I am convinced that I am an arrogant monster just waiting to happen. Like if I let myself believe I am even a little bit awesome, I will become this huge arrogant asshole. So I cannot let myself believe anything awesome about me OR THE WORLD WILL END, TRUFAX. IT WILL BE SWALLOWED IN THE ABYSS OF MY ARROGANCE. Though on a more serious note (though, all of this is dead serious, I just talk about it like it's funny >.>), I've noticed that complexes of either arrogance or self-confidence tend to carry a flip-side of the other. Lots of arrogant people with secret self-esteem issues — and people like me, stomping on arrogance (or perceived arrogance) by keeping ourselves down.

In turn, I tend to regard anything I produce as terrible by default, because I made it, right? Therefore it is automatically as terrible as I am! THESE ARE JUST TRUE FACTS ABOUT THE WORLD, ALL RIGHT? But again with the tone-whiplash: every scrap of confidence in my crafts I have gained through MUCH, MUCH effort. (Which doesn't mean I don't welcome criticism — I LOVE constructive crit and in general I find criticism of any kind easier to buy and believe and accept and deal with than compliments?)

But all of that is reasons why making a list of things I like about myself is hard, but I still mean to do the thing, you know?

So I guess the chief thing I like about myself is that, while I'm convinced that I am basically not-awesome and everything I produce is at best mediocre by default, I DO keep constantly trying to improve myself. I am pretty proud of that, really? I work hard on me and my skills, and this gives me hope that even though I believe I suck now, maybe it won't always be that way.

I also like that I am pretty willing to take criticism and believe I may be in the wrong? I mean, this is just another way of saying that I am ready to believe bad things about myself, which in the present context is kind of hilarious to claim as a THING I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF, but... it's true? (And I know it doesn't help with the self-hatred complex if I LIKE that I do it, I knowwww.) But I have definitely dealt with people who just will not believe that they could be wrong or just cannot take criticism, and I like to think that I am not like that! Although SOME HAVE ARGUED that I swing way too hard in the other direction and am TOO ready to believe that I am wrong and that this makes it harder for me to stick by my opinions and generally not be a doormat. SOME HAVE ARGUED.

So those are two general things... or... well. Maybe one and a half general things. AT LEAST ONE general thing that I like about myself. I should try to add some specific things!

- I have worked very hard on my art lately, and while I am still not all like, DUDE MY ART IS AWESOME CHECK IT OUT, I do think I have improved a lot. I am proud of that, and I am also proud in my ability to even believe that about myself? Like I can ACTUALLY think "hey, I have improved at something and maybe I am kind of okay at it!" This may be sad, but I have worked really hard for that — not just the skill, but the ability to be proud of myself at ALL. (... as a note though, this doesn't apply to my writing, just my art.)

- I like that I am stubborn! This can get me in trouble (like when I give myself asthma attacks because I refuse to walk this hill truestory), but I also think it is pretty cool how determined I can be!

- I like that I am pretty open, though I usually frame this to myself as a bad thing, like I overshare and always talk about myself (haha this november meme, WHAT) and am SO self-centered. But we are FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE HERE and I can also frame this as me being frank and honest and candid? I HOPE?

- I like to think that I am pretty generous. If this is true about me, then it is something I can admire!

... and I am honestly, like. I can't really come up with anything else that will feel genuine. I have tried my best to be honest here, but part of that is saying that this really is difficult. I've given it an honest, earnest try, so I guess... I guess I will just let that speak for itself!

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