i have one important thing to say here. it's at the bottom.

i'm back. lah. such excitement.

right.

as you may not know, i've been having lot's of fine screwing myself over this past week. probably because i wasn't occupying myself with talking to my friends online.

not having internet for a week would be just fine with me if it didn't involve not being able to talk to my friends. (or missing boymeetsboy)


right. important thing:

i haven't been writing in lj recently. reason being, i'm having very serious issues with being able to say what is bothering me.

and things *have* been bothering me. i *am* unhappy. i *want* to talk to someone about it. i think out what's wrong, what i want to say, what i want to ask, to ask for help. SOME sort of help, SOMETHING.

and the words don't come. at all.
it's the wrong time or there are too many people or i can't open my mouth and all i can do is stare.

and it's all bottled up. and just sits there and makes me unhappy.
oh, i do a fine job of pretending it's not there when there's people around.

which may be part of the problem.

but i've always said it's easier if you talk about things with someone...

and it is.

and i miss it.


even this is taking a lot of effort. were it possible to stutter and make long pauses in type, you would see those here.
even when i am being general, using terms much broader than what is bothering me, it's hard. i've been meaning to say something about this for a long time and trying and trying, opening livejournal up and almost starting to type and then stopping and freezing and not being able to say one word.

god, i hate this.

i can't talk now, at all, except for about inane things. i can't talk about my ideas, i can't show my opinions, i can't do anything at all...

i don't know if i'm asking for help.

how can this be helped? i can't see any way, so what help is there to ask for?

just... someone... find me? shake me, smack me, MAKE me talk.
but only if you're going to listen... if you want to listen.

i have to stop. i'm crying from talking about this, letting myself say something, from the effort it takes to MAKE myself say this.

god i am messed up.

i stayed up till 1 making apple pie last night.
no one wanted any, though my dad says it's delicious.

even more important thing

EVEN MROE IMPORTANT THING:

to all of you who have responded to my entries - thank you. i would have replied back, but i haven't had the internet connection that's sortof necessary to do so.

but i thank you for caring.

(no subject)

dammit. family saw me crying. both mother and father.

well, at least they didn't try to help. my dad was giving me back my telephone i'd put downstairs because that one had stopped working.

my mother told me she was eating her salad and that i could use her computer for a few minutes. then she told me not to get upset at her (we had an argument just before.). i asked her were the hell she'd gotten the idea that i was upset at HER and they left.

i hate it when they see me cry.