ah. my mind is back. now, then....

i think i can be justified in calling these things i have as something out of my mind.

not me myself being out of my mind - i live in there.
but things that are usually IN my mind spontaneously going *FOOM!* and bazooking OUT.
translation: ladies and gentlemen, what you were witnessing earlier were the thoughts i normally have + me in some sort of frenzy/panicked state/something, which means the things i am normally only thinking, i am now saying.

for which i am profoundly sorry.

no, i am not "better." i still feel the same, just minus the frenzy.
i feel no better about myself, except i looked in the mirror and had a fleeting thought of maybe i AM a little bit pretty.
or something.

but yes.

the rollercoaster is about 2/3 done. okay. i'll accept that over NOT done at all.

my day:
i got up at 10 (abysmally early for me on a weekend) and ate (wow) and got here (my dad's workshop place, aka his job) at around 11:40.
since then, except for brief interludes of onlineness, i have been soldering wire into a coaster shape.

which means i have been breathing fumes for 13 hours.
yes, i have a headache. yes, my stomach feels weird.
and maybe fumes sortof didn't help my mental state today.

but yes.
my all my fingers are raw and singed, and i have once again fucked up the tendons in my hand.
i don't know what is wrong with them, but they spontaneously (when i put weight on them slightly the wrong way, i guess) go, "whoops, major pain now!" and decide that they won't work for a couple of days.

but i was a Smart Child and continued using my wrist and hand (my right one) for 10 more hours. yes. très intelligente.
so now my hand will be out of order (well, heavy-duty order) for a week or so.

and now i'm going home and doing my bio, my english, my math, and my french.

yes.


to those of you who commented on my two previous entries - thank you.

(no subject)

my mother is going to be in Raleigh, NC for a week.

i have a kitty on my lap.

and i will pass all my classes even if i get abysmal grades this quarter.

yay surfacehappiness.

i was trying to explain something to Natan about how i can appear to be happy, but... am not.
about how the things i was saying in my two frantic entries, hating myself, blah blah blah, i never stop thinking those. they're the base of what i am - always there, never changing, endless circle, etc.

but on a wholly separate layer lies my current mood.
except the two aren't separate when my current mood is sad or depressive or whatnot.

but yes.
however much sense that made.

but yes.

my throat is very unhappy with me for making it breather fumes for 13 hours.

and hope and hugs to Claire and Lindsey and Shauna!

yes.

Jo was here today!

which differs from the last time Jo was here in that i actually got to be with her a little bit.
yay alums.

Marylin (sp?), sylvie, Rosie, Jo, me.
went to freshfields, ate, got driven there and back by Jo.
yay alums with cars.

and such.

yes.

good morning.