Aug. 3rd, 2011

I don't really know what to do with myself.

My mom is having a psychological collapse. My dad is part of the cause, so he's no help; my mom's girlfriend has been trying to help for two years. This pretty much leaves me, and I spent over three hours talking to her monday night, driving down to her place and trying to work out some kind of plan. My family's still half a million dollars in debt and their cash flow is still negative. My mom is terrified of declaring bankruptcy because she'd lose her security clearance and have to look for work, plus all the energy of settling into a new place if she even manages to find one. My dad's flaking out on everything from childcare to his part of the debt to helping my mom. I'm trying to find her doctors she agreed to one day and balks at the next; the lake house that's the primary money-suck has been on the market for ages without even a walk-through. Three whole adults have utterly failed at getting their life in order and now it's my turn to try, again; what am I supposed to do here?

I'm almost as depressed as I've ever been, and that was before my mom. The grave's medication is maybe making a sliver of difference -- I wouldn't know; every time I get a little space to breathe from one thing, something else awful happens. The job opportunity I was really hoping for isn't materializing and now I'm on the hunt again. The economy's collapsing again right when I'm quitting my current job -- you know, the one that made me so depressed? And the economy continues to be infuriating, I am so angry and violently saddened by the garbage coming out of DC.

I feel like I've flaked out on everything this year. I've accomplished nothing creative, I've failed so many people, I'm so far behind on org work. On the one hand, how was I supposed to know that 2011 would suck so much more than 2010 for me? When I ran for board, things were looking up. I was secure and moderately content. I didn't know my family would implode, I didn't know that I would get so sick, I didn't know I'd be quitting my job. But I somehow should have shouldered everything and soldiered on, right? I'm trying to cling to some shred of something for me -- something outside work, commuting, chores, and the sleep mandated by my sickness. But there's nothing left. I gave up all my hobbies, all things fun, months and months ago. All that's left is the org and all that does is make me feel guilty for falling further behind. But if I take a leave there, a real leave of absence, I will just feel like I had failed everything.

I don't know what to do with myself.



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