Some miscommunications in a discussion of race/racism

I've stayed out of recent debates about race and gender on the internet— I've read most of the relevant material/discussions, but have not posted anything. I mentioned some reasons in a previous post, which basically boil down to "I've been doing research on rape all year and I kind of can't handle talking about misogyny/racism/homophobia/etc right now."

Recently two people I know here on LJ started a discussion about race. This discussion bothered me a lot. Feelings were hurt on both sides. Also, from what I can tell, both sides were earnestly trying to communicate their points. I'm trying to understand where the miscommunication happened, because I'm convinced there's a lot of it in here. There was some hand-wringing about whether I wanted to jump into the fray or not, but I'm not sure how to work through such issues except by having discussions. So here's a try.

I decided to post this in my own journal rather than attempting to comment in either of the participants' journals. This is in part because I expect this to get long, and in part because I am hesitant to invade either of their spaces. Likewise, if you first heard of this discussion here and wouldn't normally engage with these people, please don't bother any of the participants about it on their journals. Part of this discussion is no longer viewable, as the post (which gave a lot of context and valuable information on the participant's position, both in the post itself and in the comments) was friends-locked after its initially public posting. Also, I admit outright that I am trying to read some intent here. If the actual parties involved want to correct me on any such interpretations, I really hope they do.

( Background )

( Misscommunication 1: Being a racist vs. acting racist )

( Misscommunication 2: Your example is inappropriate )

shanaqui tried, in good faith, to use examples she was familiar with to engage in a discussion about race. Her interlocutors told her that her example was derailing the discussion. I think shanaqui should have read the links provided her before engaging in further discussion. I also think her interlocutors should have stopped to think about why they weren't getting through to her before continuing to engage her. But everyone runs out of teaspoons eventually. I read this as an unfortunate instance of enough explanation to hurt feelings but not enough to change minds, because everyone was tired of explaining things to everyone else.

I'm writing about this because I think it's important to think about when/why attempts to have discussions about race fail, among friends, among intelligent, non-racist people.