Social animal: Y/N?

Check it out: I am totally writing in my LJ on a semi-regular basis. Kind of. Don't get used to it.

So after finishing this I realized that it got really, really long. I'd friends-lock this, but it would be kind of pointless and wouldn't really spare anybody's flist space -- I friend anybody who friends me (whenever I get around to checking, that is) whether they know anything about my personal life or not. Plus... I really just don't care what relative strangers know about me. I don't write explicitly about anything I'm uncomfortable having the world knowing, though I'll make references that only those who really know me would get. If I don't want someone to know, I don't put it on LJ. So I guess this is just to say: this is a long post concerned with the world in my head, which is full of WOE and OH NOEZ DRAMA and is really pretty boring. I'm just trying to sort some things out for myself.

I guess I feel compelled to write because I feel Significant Things are happening. But then I'm kind of self-absorbed and I pretty much always think some kind of drama is about to break out, within or without. In my defense, I'm right about 40% of the time.

I've had an interesting break so far, full of Family Drama (for once not involving me) and old friends. Really, that's not too bad a combination: the drama without friends would suck pretty bad, and having the drama makes me appreciate my friends more.

Probably it's spending time with my friends that make me think of this: I'm trying to figure out if I'm feeling any better in terms of brain chemistry. I'm gonna go with a tentative "yes", but if I say that I have to ask WHY. My immediate answer would be that I've managed to drag myself into a little productivity, which is my personal anti-depressant. That's simple enough, although I really should work on de-coupling my emotional state from my productivity level -- I'll never be productive enough, neither in terms of volume nor consistency.

What's REALLY baffling me is that another solution may have presented itself: being with people.

( REVOLUTIONARY, I KNOW. )

This weekend was full of social success, and I was something like content.

So... tell me, should I keep trying? Am I an extrovert? Has this been the key all along?

If it was, then boy, let me tell you, I will feel pretty colossally stupid for missing it this long. What a silly reason to stay depressed: I couldn't figure out that I might enjoy spending time with people XD

On a different but related note, I think I should try taking up dance again. Most of my previous attempts have ended in tears and/or anxiety attacks, but this is a true fact: I love music. I love dancing. I think I'm horrible at both, but I love them, and I want to do them.

See, I discovered just a few days ago that my sister is learning to play the violin. She started in September. I'm a little jealous: I wish my parents had started me on music young -- it would have developed any faculties I had. I was moping about this when John gave me a well-deserved kick in the butt about it: age is no barrier. If I really, really want to learn to play an instrument, I can. There's nothing stopping me. If I think it would make me happy, I should go for it, crying and anxiety be damned. So I'll cry a little (well, okay, probably a lot XD) and have a few issues breathing, but if I stick with it and keep trying, I'll get over it, right?

And I'll have music. I'd give a lot to have music be a part of my life.

So why not just let go and give it a try? This weekend, I somehow disconnected from most of my past social retardation and just... went with it.

I want to capture that. I want to put it in a can and whip it out at opportune moments.

Also, I was reminded (by John and, embarrassingly enough, the movie Hairspray) that swing was the first kind of dancing I ever tried and that despite being a total failure at it I had loved it. So maybe I should stop trying the waltzing and tango and whatever and try getting into swing again.

Aw hell. This got really long. And rambly. And probably pointless. Anyway, I might just be imagining things and this is all a reaction to my folks being gone for a week =P