continued, part 1 (what's wrong with me? i'm almost always smiling but so seldom happy...)

[justira]

interrupted as i read back on my own life, i'm going to work on my room with my dad.

it's his birthday.

hapy birthday, dad.


closing notes until i write again:

a quote from my own journal:
---
i don't want to be here.
how do i explain this thought....
i understand that by killing yourself you hurt anyone who cares about you, and quite a few other people besides.
i think i wish that no one cared anymore, and then i could leave and not hurt people by doing so.

i feel manipulative and exhibitionist.
but the truth is, i don't care who in troupe sees this, also a few non-troupe friends.
i write my feelings down, and once they're out, and on paper (or equivalent of), i stop caring who sees them. the problem is getting them out.
---

also: i feel like crying, but i don't feel sad

also: my therapy is going nowhere, and it's my fault because i refuse to cooperate in the ways she wants.

also: i'm not as unhappy as i sound.
somtimes more, somtimes less.

i make no sense.

i go in circles.

i have cyclic depression

that sucks.

i love you all.

and sometimes i wish i didn't.


happy birthday, dad, from your messed up little daughter.

Comments

[dance4lyfe.livejournal.com]

*HUG*...

[psifenix.livejournal.com]

*hug*...
ttyl, k?

[badoingdoing.livejournal.com]

*happiness to ye, and all that good stuff*
*hugs*
and *comfortathome*

[justrachel.livejournal.com]

*bighugs*

its scary sometimes

i remind myself of you

im not sure if that statement was meant as ac ompliment, comfort, insult, whatever, or just a.....statement of sorts. but yeah. if you ever need someone to talk to. etc.

*biggerhugs*

[stargarbage.livejournal.com]

*hug*

sighness?

of course. i'm here, yes? talk is good.

*bighug*

[katsy.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

Everyone cares about you hon. Be well, you're far too great a person to have to feel this bad.

Meg

[dance4lyfe.livejournal.com]

Hey....um....mom said you can stay with us next weekend if you want...just as long as you know I will prolly be working on stuff...Of course, you still have Paper Mario :) ...and thanks for calming me down last night....I think I'm going insane...

[justira.livejournal.com]

i can always listen...

though until i get my own computer back (i.e. until i'm done completely redoing my room) i'm at risk of being kicked off if it's not some ungodly hour of the night/morning.

butyes.
thankyou, and you're welcome, and ::hugs::

[indigo.livejournal.com]

*hug*
mm..circles. laa.
::kidnaps::