continued, part 1 (what's wrong with me? i'm almost always smiling but so seldom happy...)

[justira]

interrupted as i read back on my own life, i'm going to work on my room with my dad.

it's his birthday.

hapy birthday, dad.


closing notes until i write again:

a quote from my own journal:
---
i don't want to be here.
how do i explain this thought....
i understand that by killing yourself you hurt anyone who cares about you, and quite a few other people besides.
i think i wish that no one cared anymore, and then i could leave and not hurt people by doing so.

i feel manipulative and exhibitionist.
but the truth is, i don't care who in troupe sees this, also a few non-troupe friends.
i write my feelings down, and once they're out, and on paper (or equivalent of), i stop caring who sees them. the problem is getting them out.
---

also: i feel like crying, but i don't feel sad

also: my therapy is going nowhere, and it's my fault because i refuse to cooperate in the ways she wants.

also: i'm not as unhappy as i sound.
somtimes more, somtimes less.

i make no sense.

i go in circles.

i have cyclic depression

that sucks.

i love you all.

and sometimes i wish i didn't.


happy birthday, dad, from your messed up little daughter.