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[Daily Doodle] Not a Daily Doodle
Hey so! Time to re-evaluate!
The deal: I have done 400 daily doodles. That is 400 days (WHAT) of producing drawings every day — some pretty damn terrible, some I'm even a little proud of. It's about time to think hard about this project, and what I want to do with it, and with myself.
Thoughts on any of the below are very welcome! Just fyi, I'm quite frank about my various mental and emotional issues; these are not cries for sympathy, just facts of life. I plan to be even more frank in the future, actually. Get used to it? Anyway! I welcome feedback on the project as it has been, and on these evaluations and plans. Anything, really.
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the First: Arting
So obviously this project was intended to improve my arting — and a number of other things I will address shortly. My arting has, indeed, improved. I've gotten a lot of advice and critique along the way, for which I am eternally grateful. (I have also given myself many aneurysms, which are entirely self-inflicted but I can still be distinctly NOT grateful for those.) I had vague goals at the beginning of this project to have themed study-weeks — like spend a week doing Serious Business Anatomy Studies (like first draw bones, then the musculature, then the skin, etc.), or a week on movement and dance studies. Or produce a coloured thing every week! Damn those were failures.
But my arts: they are a bit better. I think.
I save all my traditionally drawn art in files (like, all of it, including random dumb doodles on class notes from middle school — DID YOU KNOW I'm an excessively over-organized packrat? I save MEANINGFUL MEMENTOS in files. oh yes.). And honestly, a lot of the time I look back on art from way long ago, when I never actually practiced the craft of it and just doodled randomly — and it's often so much disappointingly BETTER than my current labours. I mean what the hell, man! I did better without even trying. That seems pretty unfair. I had always thought is was some deficiency of technique at fault, but![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chaosraven pointed out the likely truth: I need to loosen up, man. I tend to be too focused on performance, on doing it right, and not focused enough on drawing for the joy of it.
Ah, I've taken little joy in my life; it's no surprise I'm not very good at it. And while art has not precisely been a chore to me for the past 400 days, I've been treating it as one.
So, in terms of technique, I've improved a little, but I think it's time to stop focusing on that as much; it might salve my perfectionist tendencies, but it bruises my spirit.
Now for the other things this project has improved! I almost never get nauseous when posting art in public anymore! YAY?
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Second: NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU IRA LET IT GO
I am kind of like a walking (sometimes), talking (also only sometimes), breathing (most of the time except when I get workout-induced asthma, and then it is more like wheezing) self-confidence crisis. It's true! I consider myself an automatic failure at all things, simply because it is me doing them. I SUSPECT this somewhat biases my self-perception (JUST MAYBE). But I have always had the belief that I am a failure at self-discipline, and I like to think I have plenty of evidence to support this, like how I can't maintain a bedtime if my life depends on it, nor a meal schedule, nor an attention span, nor any other adult maintenance thing. (The Hyperbole and a Half post on being an adult is pretty much MY LIFE except my attempted forays into adulthood involve approximately 23 times more attempts to eat salads.) I seem to have two modes: "bleh" and "RRAAAAWRGH". Bleh is most of my life. RRAAAAWRGH is when I nearly kill myself biking, or make myself throw up jogging several miles when the last time I worked out was YEARS ago, or when I doggedly stay up until 6AM trying to get a handjob picture to look right TRUE STORIES ALL because I apparently refuse to demonstrate the weakness of quitting before I make myself ill. Or when I drag myself to the computer and scribble something out every day no matter how tired I am, or how sick I am, or if I got hit by a car (ALSO TRUE), or how many of my friends have died that week (ALSO A GODDAMN TRUE STORY WTF).
CLEARLY I am the paragon of healthy habits.
Anyway. While this 400-day streak might not have been the healthiest thing I've ever done, it has at least shown me that I can keep a project up this long, which, honestly? That is kind of heartbreaking for me. I would never have believed it of myself. Ever. It might not be a huge deal, but it is something that I can remind myself of: hey, self, you are not a complete failure! SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED. +1 confidence (current score: -99999999)
So about that getting nauseous when I post thing! It's true! I used to feel physically ill anytime I posted anything I made — art, fic, whatever. I'm not sure why? Honestly. I am not sure anybody can ever judge me more harshly than I judge myself; not much to fear there. But I'm also pretty hermitty and asocial — even though I need attention and the society of people anyway. And then there is always thinking anything I make is automatically not awesome, and showing it to the world is like inviting people to shun me. OR SOMETHING.
Anyway. Post something --> become ill.
That was a more secret goal of this doodling thing: convincing myself it is OKAY to show the world the stuff I make and do, including, GASP, unfinished, unpolished stuff. IT'S OKAY IRA. It's okay.
On that score: success! Or as successful as I will likely ever allow myself to be. It's still a disaster with fic, including when I give betas my first drafts (VOMIT). But even that is a bit less of a disaster than it was, thanks to my short-lived writing meme and in part to some infectious cross-contamination from the doodle thing. Yay! Ish.
So.
Those are the good parts.
The bad news is that this project has stunted a lot of other stuff!
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Third: Single-Mindedness Somehow Not Always a Good Thing, STORY AT ELEVEN
Like when I really really really do not feel like drawing, but force myself to do it anyway and produce some half-assed doodle. I could have been writing instead! Or vidding! Internet, let me tell you, I could have written one of my alarming tl;dr opuses in all the time I spent beating my head against no-art days. Maybe two alarming opuses, even! Possibly not a good thing for the world at large, but *I* would have enjoyed it.
Also, true story: it gets stale. *I* get stale! The flow and ease get stilted. It's the opposite of the letting-go thatchaosraven recommended. (RANDOM ASIDE: How I learned to spar. I have always been excruciatingly technique-focused in my martial arts. Those of who know sparring are probably nodding like HAHA we know how that goes! Because my sparring used to be terrible! I THOUGHT too much; I tried TOO hard; I focused too much on technique. Then one day one of my partners dragged me out for sparring and I DIDN'T WANNA; I was tired and MEH. So I didn't try to think. I didn't TRY. And suddenly: SPARRING! WHOA. Is that how you do it!)
So. There's my self-discipline problems, and then there is trying too hard and stunting everything else while I try to do this one thing. I think I'm veering hard into the trying-too-hard category. But I don't want to give up discipline. And I don't want to neglect all the other stuff I want to do. It's true that I've neglected fostering my art for a very long time — but I've neglected my writing for an even bigger part of my life. And I'm neglecting longer-term, bigger projects. I've been producing a lot of small stuff (some of it admittedly not so small), and while I keep saying that stuff is going in "the queue", nothing ever comes out of "the queue". It is like a black hole of productivity (have I mentioned that I am TERRIFIED of black holes? Maybe not the best analogy for me to use then).
I do have a lot of trouble convincing myself that I'm stopping something because it's healthy, because it's a good idea — rather than because I'm giving up, because I'm weak and flighty and can't stick to anything. I'm still working very hard to keep telling myself that just because I am tired doesn't mean I'm quitting due to tired — that just because I WANT something doesn't make it the wrong choice.
So. With help from the ever-understanding and logical and awesomeowlmoose, I'm scrapping the current doodle project.
I don't want to give up the daily discipline of creativity and self-improvement. But I want to focus on other things, and nurture creative urges as they come, instead of trying to haul a team of unconscious bears upstream. And I want to finally get to work on some more serious, longer-term works.
Here we go, then. The new project.
There is a LOT of "what a shame" feeling at letting go of a 400-day streak. But I think that feeling is getting in the way of better goals. So, here it is, the death of the daily doodle. Many thanks to everyone who helped, commented, encouraged; and particular thanks torenay for prodding me into it in the first place.
Thoughts are! Vey very welcome =D Suggestions as well! Resources for vidding! Or cosplaying! Arting tips! Writing tips! Exclamations of thanks for sparing your reading lists! Etc =P
My biggest problem? NO CATCHY NAME
I suggested "Quotidian Creativity" butrenay may or may not have laughed at me >.>
The deal: I have done 400 daily doodles. That is 400 days (WHAT) of producing drawings every day — some pretty damn terrible, some I'm even a little proud of. It's about time to think hard about this project, and what I want to do with it, and with myself.
Thoughts on any of the below are very welcome! Just fyi, I'm quite frank about my various mental and emotional issues; these are not cries for sympathy, just facts of life. I plan to be even more frank in the future, actually. Get used to it? Anyway! I welcome feedback on the project as it has been, and on these evaluations and plans. Anything, really.
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the First: Arting
So obviously this project was intended to improve my arting — and a number of other things I will address shortly. My arting has, indeed, improved. I've gotten a lot of advice and critique along the way, for which I am eternally grateful. (I have also given myself many aneurysms, which are entirely self-inflicted but I can still be distinctly NOT grateful for those.) I had vague goals at the beginning of this project to have themed study-weeks — like spend a week doing Serious Business Anatomy Studies (like first draw bones, then the musculature, then the skin, etc.), or a week on movement and dance studies. Or produce a coloured thing every week! Damn those were failures.
But my arts: they are a bit better. I think.
I save all my traditionally drawn art in files (like, all of it, including random dumb doodles on class notes from middle school — DID YOU KNOW I'm an excessively over-organized packrat? I save MEANINGFUL MEMENTOS in files. oh yes.). And honestly, a lot of the time I look back on art from way long ago, when I never actually practiced the craft of it and just doodled randomly — and it's often so much disappointingly BETTER than my current labours. I mean what the hell, man! I did better without even trying. That seems pretty unfair. I had always thought is was some deficiency of technique at fault, but
chaosraven pointed out the likely truth: I need to loosen up, man. I tend to be too focused on performance, on doing it right, and not focused enough on drawing for the joy of it.Ah, I've taken little joy in my life; it's no surprise I'm not very good at it. And while art has not precisely been a chore to me for the past 400 days, I've been treating it as one.
So, in terms of technique, I've improved a little, but I think it's time to stop focusing on that as much; it might salve my perfectionist tendencies, but it bruises my spirit.
Now for the other things this project has improved! I almost never get nauseous when posting art in public anymore! YAY?
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Second: NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU IRA LET IT GO
I am kind of like a walking (sometimes), talking (also only sometimes), breathing (most of the time except when I get workout-induced asthma, and then it is more like wheezing) self-confidence crisis. It's true! I consider myself an automatic failure at all things, simply because it is me doing them. I SUSPECT this somewhat biases my self-perception (JUST MAYBE). But I have always had the belief that I am a failure at self-discipline, and I like to think I have plenty of evidence to support this, like how I can't maintain a bedtime if my life depends on it, nor a meal schedule, nor an attention span, nor any other adult maintenance thing. (The Hyperbole and a Half post on being an adult is pretty much MY LIFE except my attempted forays into adulthood involve approximately 23 times more attempts to eat salads.) I seem to have two modes: "bleh" and "RRAAAAWRGH". Bleh is most of my life. RRAAAAWRGH is when I nearly kill myself biking, or make myself throw up jogging several miles when the last time I worked out was YEARS ago, or when I doggedly stay up until 6AM trying to get a handjob picture to look right TRUE STORIES ALL because I apparently refuse to demonstrate the weakness of quitting before I make myself ill. Or when I drag myself to the computer and scribble something out every day no matter how tired I am, or how sick I am, or if I got hit by a car (ALSO TRUE), or how many of my friends have died that week (ALSO A GODDAMN TRUE STORY WTF).
CLEARLY I am the paragon of healthy habits.
Anyway. While this 400-day streak might not have been the healthiest thing I've ever done, it has at least shown me that I can keep a project up this long, which, honestly? That is kind of heartbreaking for me. I would never have believed it of myself. Ever. It might not be a huge deal, but it is something that I can remind myself of: hey, self, you are not a complete failure! SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED. +1 confidence (current score: -99999999)
So about that getting nauseous when I post thing! It's true! I used to feel physically ill anytime I posted anything I made — art, fic, whatever. I'm not sure why? Honestly. I am not sure anybody can ever judge me more harshly than I judge myself; not much to fear there. But I'm also pretty hermitty and asocial — even though I need attention and the society of people anyway. And then there is always thinking anything I make is automatically not awesome, and showing it to the world is like inviting people to shun me. OR SOMETHING.
Anyway. Post something --> become ill.
That was a more secret goal of this doodling thing: convincing myself it is OKAY to show the world the stuff I make and do, including, GASP, unfinished, unpolished stuff. IT'S OKAY IRA. It's okay.
On that score: success! Or as successful as I will likely ever allow myself to be. It's still a disaster with fic, including when I give betas my first drafts (VOMIT). But even that is a bit less of a disaster than it was, thanks to my short-lived writing meme and in part to some infectious cross-contamination from the doodle thing. Yay! Ish.
So.
Those are the good parts.
The bad news is that this project has stunted a lot of other stuff!
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Third: Single-Mindedness Somehow Not Always a Good Thing, STORY AT ELEVEN
Like when I really really really do not feel like drawing, but force myself to do it anyway and produce some half-assed doodle. I could have been writing instead! Or vidding! Internet, let me tell you, I could have written one of my alarming tl;dr opuses in all the time I spent beating my head against no-art days. Maybe two alarming opuses, even! Possibly not a good thing for the world at large, but *I* would have enjoyed it.
Also, true story: it gets stale. *I* get stale! The flow and ease get stilted. It's the opposite of the letting-go that
chaosraven recommended. (RANDOM ASIDE: How I learned to spar. I have always been excruciatingly technique-focused in my martial arts. Those of who know sparring are probably nodding like HAHA we know how that goes! Because my sparring used to be terrible! I THOUGHT too much; I tried TOO hard; I focused too much on technique. Then one day one of my partners dragged me out for sparring and I DIDN'T WANNA; I was tired and MEH. So I didn't try to think. I didn't TRY. And suddenly: SPARRING! WHOA. Is that how you do it!)So. There's my self-discipline problems, and then there is trying too hard and stunting everything else while I try to do this one thing. I think I'm veering hard into the trying-too-hard category. But I don't want to give up discipline. And I don't want to neglect all the other stuff I want to do. It's true that I've neglected fostering my art for a very long time — but I've neglected my writing for an even bigger part of my life. And I'm neglecting longer-term, bigger projects. I've been producing a lot of small stuff (some of it admittedly not so small), and while I keep saying that stuff is going in "the queue", nothing ever comes out of "the queue". It is like a black hole of productivity (have I mentioned that I am TERRIFIED of black holes? Maybe not the best analogy for me to use then).
I do have a lot of trouble convincing myself that I'm stopping something because it's healthy, because it's a good idea — rather than because I'm giving up, because I'm weak and flighty and can't stick to anything. I'm still working very hard to keep telling myself that just because I am tired doesn't mean I'm quitting due to tired — that just because I WANT something doesn't make it the wrong choice.
So. With help from the ever-understanding and logical and awesome
owlmoose, I'm scrapping the current doodle project.I don't want to give up the daily discipline of creativity and self-improvement. But I want to focus on other things, and nurture creative urges as they come, instead of trying to haul a team of unconscious bears upstream. And I want to finally get to work on some more serious, longer-term works.
Here we go, then. The new project.
- Do something creative every day.
- I don't have to finish something every day, as long as I put in some type of creative work on some project.
- I don't have to post something every day (your reading/friends lists may rejoice!) but I do have to keep track of my progress — weekly posts, maybe?
- Can be writing, drawing, vidding — anything that exercises, craft, skill, or creativity. (PS: did you know that I am a vidder? Just a scared, amateur, unpublished one.)
- I don't have to finish something every day, as long as I put in some type of creative work on some project.
- Drawing Goals:
- Go back and finish, or start from scratch and finish, one polished work per month.
- Practice colouring every week. Don't have to finish a colour a week, just practice at least a little each week.
- Go back and finish, or start from scratch and finish, one polished work per month.
- Writing Goals:
- Produce a first/beta draft of [unit] every month as long as there are any projects on the docket. It can be a chapter draft of a long work, or a draft of a one-shot.
- Write at least 1,000 words every week. Editing doesn't count (I do that easily enough on my own) but outlining does — I've discovered I'm terrible at outlining and getting ideas off the ground, so I need to work on that and learn!
- Produce a first/beta draft of [unit] every month as long as there are any projects on the docket. It can be a chapter draft of a long work, or a draft of a one-shot.
- Other Creative Stuff Goals:
- Produce a vid draft every two months
- Produce one complete cosplay every six months
- Produce one [unit] of work on an original project every two months (overall outline, single chapter detailed outline, single chapter draft, etc.)
- Produce a vid draft every two months
- Also: produce one serious business post a month (it's not like I have a lack of thoughts and topic; just of energy and confidence).
- Do not consider self a failure if you don't meet any of these goals
There is a LOT of "what a shame" feeling at letting go of a 400-day streak. But I think that feeling is getting in the way of better goals. So, here it is, the death of the daily doodle. Many thanks to everyone who helped, commented, encouraged; and particular thanks to
renay for prodding me into it in the first place.Thoughts are! Vey very welcome =D Suggestions as well! Resources for vidding! Or cosplaying! Arting tips! Writing tips! Exclamations of thanks for sparing your reading lists! Etc =P
My biggest problem? NO CATCHY NAME
I suggested "Quotidian Creativity" but
renay may or may not have laughed at me >.>
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Good luck with your other goals! You can do it!
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And heh, I had to CONVINCE myself that 400 was a fine place to stop and I didn't have to wait until 500 >.>
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My lack of vocabulary, we are showing it. >.>
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I thought you were teasing me for it. I don't even know! XD
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I think Quotidian Creativity sounds amazing. Although since I first learned that word in French, it looks wrongly spelt to me. Oh, brain.
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And ha, yes, it should be "quotidienne" in this case, yes? XD
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Yep, think so!
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I look forward to this creative explosion :) Next month I plan to get a writing thing going for myself. Hopefully.
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And thank you so much for your support in my own project =D
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Your daily doodles have been wonderful. You should be justly proud of the streak. But yes, anything grows stale. (I find my beautiful turns of phrase are all used up after writing a longfic...shoot, I just used that metaphor again, and it was so fresh and shiny the first time).
I'm looking forward to seeing what other creativity you're inspired to do. They are all gifts, but I'm especially hoping for more writing, since I have fallen rather deeply in love with your writing of late, and I can't seem to find enough of it! :)
Seriously. You know I have become stalkerish with regards to one of your stories, which I occasionally have my computer read to me as a book on tape. I hope you understand that this is not typical: I've been reading fanfic for at least 20 years, and have never been so moved. I hope that can offset your self-doubt an itsy bit?
Anyway. Many hugs.
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I suspect a lot of people have issues similar to mine, to some degree! Which is why I think it's important for me to be frank and open about them (when I have the spoons for it) — I've seen it work; a couple comments discussing the same things. I think that's wonderful; I think it's healthy >.>
Ha, yeah, I have to admit that after 400 days (or even 200 days) I feel a little like I have NO art ideas anymore. I know it's not true and I just need to recharge. In the meantime I'm exercising the art muscles by sketching out crossplays of the rest of the FFX cast =D
I have! Way too many writing projects I'm working on. But at least I have TIME for them now? XD
And! Yes I uh! I have noticed with the Clarion thing. I'm EXTREMELY grateful and it's so good to hear, since I have so little confidence there. I don't actually think I ever replied to your comments on it (or anyone's) — I think I (finally) posted the sucker and immediately got tied up with exchange business and just FFFFF.
But in case I never did: thank you. Thank you so much. It means a LOT.
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So good for you! 400 is a pretty awesome milestone, and a good opportunity to revise your goals into something more flexible and hopefully more satisfying. ♥
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And yeah, I often really need something bigger, some big goal to keep in mind. But "big" also means "easy to get lost in". I'm really grateful to have had all the support I've had, and people to help me make this decision =)
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Anyway.
"Write at least 1,000 words every week" is a great goal that I think I'm going to steal for myself, since it's strict enough to pressure me but not so ambitious that I'll give up.
Also, I love "Quotidian Creativity."
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I do not blame you for being afraid of cars! I've only been hit once but I've come close PLENTY of times as motorists just blithely attempt to drive into me when I'm RIGHT THERE. What. Guys! Come on!
I found writing goals very helpful in the past! I did a harder goal of writing at least 300 words a day, which lasted a month -- it really helped but it was too hard to sustain while doing daily doodles at the same time. The current goal seems much better, and I'm pretty hopeful! I wish you luck and fun with yours ♥
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And thanks! Someday I will break my pattern of "do a whole lot really fast, then do nothing until my next creativity panic."
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I hope your next set of goals work out for you as well.
Also, ;_; learn to vid with me. I WANT TO DO IT SO BAD BUT I HAVE NO IDEA. If you want more specific cosplay help, lemme know. I am all over that. Do you have a con you're planning for? That's the way I plan all my costumes. (I'm all sad that you guys aren't still in Portland. We could have done epic group cosplay.)
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I WILL SO LEARN TO VID WITH YOU. It is scary! But fun =D
Cosplay! I am... apparently I am going to Ohayocon as well? I'm supposed to do my first actually-my-own cosplay there. Of Squall! I picked him since it was FF8 group and I love him and he's relatively simple -- not too many weird accessories, don't have to die huge bolts of fabric funky gradients, etc.
Also I am pretty sure I could do the in-character grumping XD
I suspect I'll be documenting that saga on my journal, so you will probably hear all about it!
Meanwhile though, I'm working on crossplay designs for most of the main FFX cast. In addition to Lulu, I have first drafts of Yuna, Rikku, and Seymour >.>
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I am going to begin a project quite similar to this. :D
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400 IS A LOT. BE PROUD. The important thing is learning and carrying the experience with you.
Good luck on your future endeavours!
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