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[Daily Doodle] Not a Daily Doodle
Hey so! Time to re-evaluate!
The deal: I have done 400 daily doodles. That is 400 days (WHAT) of producing drawings every day — some pretty damn terrible, some I'm even a little proud of. It's about time to think hard about this project, and what I want to do with it, and with myself.
Thoughts on any of the below are very welcome! Just fyi, I'm quite frank about my various mental and emotional issues; these are not cries for sympathy, just facts of life. I plan to be even more frank in the future, actually. Get used to it? Anyway! I welcome feedback on the project as it has been, and on these evaluations and plans. Anything, really.
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the First: Arting
So obviously this project was intended to improve my arting — and a number of other things I will address shortly. My arting has, indeed, improved. I've gotten a lot of advice and critique along the way, for which I am eternally grateful. (I have also given myself many aneurysms, which are entirely self-inflicted but I can still be distinctly NOT grateful for those.) I had vague goals at the beginning of this project to have themed study-weeks — like spend a week doing Serious Business Anatomy Studies (like first draw bones, then the musculature, then the skin, etc.), or a week on movement and dance studies. Or produce a coloured thing every week! Damn those were failures.
But my arts: they are a bit better. I think.
I save all my traditionally drawn art in files (like, all of it, including random dumb doodles on class notes from middle school — DID YOU KNOW I'm an excessively over-organized packrat? I save MEANINGFUL MEMENTOS in files. oh yes.). And honestly, a lot of the time I look back on art from way long ago, when I never actually practiced the craft of it and just doodled randomly — and it's often so much disappointingly BETTER than my current labours. I mean what the hell, man! I did better without even trying. That seems pretty unfair. I had always thought is was some deficiency of technique at fault, but![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chaosraven pointed out the likely truth: I need to loosen up, man. I tend to be too focused on performance, on doing it right, and not focused enough on drawing for the joy of it.
Ah, I've taken little joy in my life; it's no surprise I'm not very good at it. And while art has not precisely been a chore to me for the past 400 days, I've been treating it as one.
So, in terms of technique, I've improved a little, but I think it's time to stop focusing on that as much; it might salve my perfectionist tendencies, but it bruises my spirit.
Now for the other things this project has improved! I almost never get nauseous when posting art in public anymore! YAY?
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Second: NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU IRA LET IT GO
I am kind of like a walking (sometimes), talking (also only sometimes), breathing (most of the time except when I get workout-induced asthma, and then it is more like wheezing) self-confidence crisis. It's true! I consider myself an automatic failure at all things, simply because it is me doing them. I SUSPECT this somewhat biases my self-perception (JUST MAYBE). But I have always had the belief that I am a failure at self-discipline, and I like to think I have plenty of evidence to support this, like how I can't maintain a bedtime if my life depends on it, nor a meal schedule, nor an attention span, nor any other adult maintenance thing. (The Hyperbole and a Half post on being an adult is pretty much MY LIFE except my attempted forays into adulthood involve approximately 23 times more attempts to eat salads.) I seem to have two modes: "bleh" and "RRAAAAWRGH". Bleh is most of my life. RRAAAAWRGH is when I nearly kill myself biking, or make myself throw up jogging several miles when the last time I worked out was YEARS ago, or when I doggedly stay up until 6AM trying to get a handjob picture to look right TRUE STORIES ALL because I apparently refuse to demonstrate the weakness of quitting before I make myself ill. Or when I drag myself to the computer and scribble something out every day no matter how tired I am, or how sick I am, or if I got hit by a car (ALSO TRUE), or how many of my friends have died that week (ALSO A GODDAMN TRUE STORY WTF).
CLEARLY I am the paragon of healthy habits.
Anyway. While this 400-day streak might not have been the healthiest thing I've ever done, it has at least shown me that I can keep a project up this long, which, honestly? That is kind of heartbreaking for me. I would never have believed it of myself. Ever. It might not be a huge deal, but it is something that I can remind myself of: hey, self, you are not a complete failure! SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED. +1 confidence (current score: -99999999)
So about that getting nauseous when I post thing! It's true! I used to feel physically ill anytime I posted anything I made — art, fic, whatever. I'm not sure why? Honestly. I am not sure anybody can ever judge me more harshly than I judge myself; not much to fear there. But I'm also pretty hermitty and asocial — even though I need attention and the society of people anyway. And then there is always thinking anything I make is automatically not awesome, and showing it to the world is like inviting people to shun me. OR SOMETHING.
Anyway. Post something --> become ill.
That was a more secret goal of this doodling thing: convincing myself it is OKAY to show the world the stuff I make and do, including, GASP, unfinished, unpolished stuff. IT'S OKAY IRA. It's okay.
On that score: success! Or as successful as I will likely ever allow myself to be. It's still a disaster with fic, including when I give betas my first drafts (VOMIT). But even that is a bit less of a disaster than it was, thanks to my short-lived writing meme and in part to some infectious cross-contamination from the doodle thing. Yay! Ish.
So.
Those are the good parts.
The bad news is that this project has stunted a lot of other stuff!
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Third: Single-Mindedness Somehow Not Always a Good Thing, STORY AT ELEVEN
Like when I really really really do not feel like drawing, but force myself to do it anyway and produce some half-assed doodle. I could have been writing instead! Or vidding! Internet, let me tell you, I could have written one of my alarming tl;dr opuses in all the time I spent beating my head against no-art days. Maybe two alarming opuses, even! Possibly not a good thing for the world at large, but *I* would have enjoyed it.
Also, true story: it gets stale. *I* get stale! The flow and ease get stilted. It's the opposite of the letting-go thatchaosraven recommended. (RANDOM ASIDE: How I learned to spar. I have always been excruciatingly technique-focused in my martial arts. Those of who know sparring are probably nodding like HAHA we know how that goes! Because my sparring used to be terrible! I THOUGHT too much; I tried TOO hard; I focused too much on technique. Then one day one of my partners dragged me out for sparring and I DIDN'T WANNA; I was tired and MEH. So I didn't try to think. I didn't TRY. And suddenly: SPARRING! WHOA. Is that how you do it!)
So. There's my self-discipline problems, and then there is trying too hard and stunting everything else while I try to do this one thing. I think I'm veering hard into the trying-too-hard category. But I don't want to give up discipline. And I don't want to neglect all the other stuff I want to do. It's true that I've neglected fostering my art for a very long time — but I've neglected my writing for an even bigger part of my life. And I'm neglecting longer-term, bigger projects. I've been producing a lot of small stuff (some of it admittedly not so small), and while I keep saying that stuff is going in "the queue", nothing ever comes out of "the queue". It is like a black hole of productivity (have I mentioned that I am TERRIFIED of black holes? Maybe not the best analogy for me to use then).
I do have a lot of trouble convincing myself that I'm stopping something because it's healthy, because it's a good idea — rather than because I'm giving up, because I'm weak and flighty and can't stick to anything. I'm still working very hard to keep telling myself that just because I am tired doesn't mean I'm quitting due to tired — that just because I WANT something doesn't make it the wrong choice.
So. With help from the ever-understanding and logical and awesomeowlmoose, I'm scrapping the current doodle project.
I don't want to give up the daily discipline of creativity and self-improvement. But I want to focus on other things, and nurture creative urges as they come, instead of trying to haul a team of unconscious bears upstream. And I want to finally get to work on some more serious, longer-term works.
Here we go, then. The new project.
There is a LOT of "what a shame" feeling at letting go of a 400-day streak. But I think that feeling is getting in the way of better goals. So, here it is, the death of the daily doodle. Many thanks to everyone who helped, commented, encouraged; and particular thanks torenay for prodding me into it in the first place.
Thoughts are! Vey very welcome =D Suggestions as well! Resources for vidding! Or cosplaying! Arting tips! Writing tips! Exclamations of thanks for sparing your reading lists! Etc =P
My biggest problem? NO CATCHY NAME
I suggested "Quotidian Creativity" butrenay may or may not have laughed at me >.>
The deal: I have done 400 daily doodles. That is 400 days (WHAT) of producing drawings every day — some pretty damn terrible, some I'm even a little proud of. It's about time to think hard about this project, and what I want to do with it, and with myself.
Thoughts on any of the below are very welcome! Just fyi, I'm quite frank about my various mental and emotional issues; these are not cries for sympathy, just facts of life. I plan to be even more frank in the future, actually. Get used to it? Anyway! I welcome feedback on the project as it has been, and on these evaluations and plans. Anything, really.
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the First: Arting
So obviously this project was intended to improve my arting — and a number of other things I will address shortly. My arting has, indeed, improved. I've gotten a lot of advice and critique along the way, for which I am eternally grateful. (I have also given myself many aneurysms, which are entirely self-inflicted but I can still be distinctly NOT grateful for those.) I had vague goals at the beginning of this project to have themed study-weeks — like spend a week doing Serious Business Anatomy Studies (like first draw bones, then the musculature, then the skin, etc.), or a week on movement and dance studies. Or produce a coloured thing every week! Damn those were failures.
But my arts: they are a bit better. I think.
I save all my traditionally drawn art in files (like, all of it, including random dumb doodles on class notes from middle school — DID YOU KNOW I'm an excessively over-organized packrat? I save MEANINGFUL MEMENTOS in files. oh yes.). And honestly, a lot of the time I look back on art from way long ago, when I never actually practiced the craft of it and just doodled randomly — and it's often so much disappointingly BETTER than my current labours. I mean what the hell, man! I did better without even trying. That seems pretty unfair. I had always thought is was some deficiency of technique at fault, but
chaosraven pointed out the likely truth: I need to loosen up, man. I tend to be too focused on performance, on doing it right, and not focused enough on drawing for the joy of it.Ah, I've taken little joy in my life; it's no surprise I'm not very good at it. And while art has not precisely been a chore to me for the past 400 days, I've been treating it as one.
So, in terms of technique, I've improved a little, but I think it's time to stop focusing on that as much; it might salve my perfectionist tendencies, but it bruises my spirit.
Now for the other things this project has improved! I almost never get nauseous when posting art in public anymore! YAY?
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Second: NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU IRA LET IT GO
I am kind of like a walking (sometimes), talking (also only sometimes), breathing (most of the time except when I get workout-induced asthma, and then it is more like wheezing) self-confidence crisis. It's true! I consider myself an automatic failure at all things, simply because it is me doing them. I SUSPECT this somewhat biases my self-perception (JUST MAYBE). But I have always had the belief that I am a failure at self-discipline, and I like to think I have plenty of evidence to support this, like how I can't maintain a bedtime if my life depends on it, nor a meal schedule, nor an attention span, nor any other adult maintenance thing. (The Hyperbole and a Half post on being an adult is pretty much MY LIFE except my attempted forays into adulthood involve approximately 23 times more attempts to eat salads.) I seem to have two modes: "bleh" and "RRAAAAWRGH". Bleh is most of my life. RRAAAAWRGH is when I nearly kill myself biking, or make myself throw up jogging several miles when the last time I worked out was YEARS ago, or when I doggedly stay up until 6AM trying to get a handjob picture to look right TRUE STORIES ALL because I apparently refuse to demonstrate the weakness of quitting before I make myself ill. Or when I drag myself to the computer and scribble something out every day no matter how tired I am, or how sick I am, or if I got hit by a car (ALSO TRUE), or how many of my friends have died that week (ALSO A GODDAMN TRUE STORY WTF).
CLEARLY I am the paragon of healthy habits.
Anyway. While this 400-day streak might not have been the healthiest thing I've ever done, it has at least shown me that I can keep a project up this long, which, honestly? That is kind of heartbreaking for me. I would never have believed it of myself. Ever. It might not be a huge deal, but it is something that I can remind myself of: hey, self, you are not a complete failure! SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED. +1 confidence (current score: -99999999)
So about that getting nauseous when I post thing! It's true! I used to feel physically ill anytime I posted anything I made — art, fic, whatever. I'm not sure why? Honestly. I am not sure anybody can ever judge me more harshly than I judge myself; not much to fear there. But I'm also pretty hermitty and asocial — even though I need attention and the society of people anyway. And then there is always thinking anything I make is automatically not awesome, and showing it to the world is like inviting people to shun me. OR SOMETHING.
Anyway. Post something --> become ill.
That was a more secret goal of this doodling thing: convincing myself it is OKAY to show the world the stuff I make and do, including, GASP, unfinished, unpolished stuff. IT'S OKAY IRA. It's okay.
On that score: success! Or as successful as I will likely ever allow myself to be. It's still a disaster with fic, including when I give betas my first drafts (VOMIT). But even that is a bit less of a disaster than it was, thanks to my short-lived writing meme and in part to some infectious cross-contamination from the doodle thing. Yay! Ish.
So.
Those are the good parts.
The bad news is that this project has stunted a lot of other stuff!
Self-Evaluating Babble Part the Third: Single-Mindedness Somehow Not Always a Good Thing, STORY AT ELEVEN
Like when I really really really do not feel like drawing, but force myself to do it anyway and produce some half-assed doodle. I could have been writing instead! Or vidding! Internet, let me tell you, I could have written one of my alarming tl;dr opuses in all the time I spent beating my head against no-art days. Maybe two alarming opuses, even! Possibly not a good thing for the world at large, but *I* would have enjoyed it.
Also, true story: it gets stale. *I* get stale! The flow and ease get stilted. It's the opposite of the letting-go that
chaosraven recommended. (RANDOM ASIDE: How I learned to spar. I have always been excruciatingly technique-focused in my martial arts. Those of who know sparring are probably nodding like HAHA we know how that goes! Because my sparring used to be terrible! I THOUGHT too much; I tried TOO hard; I focused too much on technique. Then one day one of my partners dragged me out for sparring and I DIDN'T WANNA; I was tired and MEH. So I didn't try to think. I didn't TRY. And suddenly: SPARRING! WHOA. Is that how you do it!)So. There's my self-discipline problems, and then there is trying too hard and stunting everything else while I try to do this one thing. I think I'm veering hard into the trying-too-hard category. But I don't want to give up discipline. And I don't want to neglect all the other stuff I want to do. It's true that I've neglected fostering my art for a very long time — but I've neglected my writing for an even bigger part of my life. And I'm neglecting longer-term, bigger projects. I've been producing a lot of small stuff (some of it admittedly not so small), and while I keep saying that stuff is going in "the queue", nothing ever comes out of "the queue". It is like a black hole of productivity (have I mentioned that I am TERRIFIED of black holes? Maybe not the best analogy for me to use then).
I do have a lot of trouble convincing myself that I'm stopping something because it's healthy, because it's a good idea — rather than because I'm giving up, because I'm weak and flighty and can't stick to anything. I'm still working very hard to keep telling myself that just because I am tired doesn't mean I'm quitting due to tired — that just because I WANT something doesn't make it the wrong choice.
So. With help from the ever-understanding and logical and awesome
owlmoose, I'm scrapping the current doodle project.I don't want to give up the daily discipline of creativity and self-improvement. But I want to focus on other things, and nurture creative urges as they come, instead of trying to haul a team of unconscious bears upstream. And I want to finally get to work on some more serious, longer-term works.
Here we go, then. The new project.
- Do something creative every day.
- I don't have to finish something every day, as long as I put in some type of creative work on some project.
- I don't have to post something every day (your reading/friends lists may rejoice!) but I do have to keep track of my progress — weekly posts, maybe?
- Can be writing, drawing, vidding — anything that exercises, craft, skill, or creativity. (PS: did you know that I am a vidder? Just a scared, amateur, unpublished one.)
- I don't have to finish something every day, as long as I put in some type of creative work on some project.
- Drawing Goals:
- Go back and finish, or start from scratch and finish, one polished work per month.
- Practice colouring every week. Don't have to finish a colour a week, just practice at least a little each week.
- Go back and finish, or start from scratch and finish, one polished work per month.
- Writing Goals:
- Produce a first/beta draft of [unit] every month as long as there are any projects on the docket. It can be a chapter draft of a long work, or a draft of a one-shot.
- Write at least 1,000 words every week. Editing doesn't count (I do that easily enough on my own) but outlining does — I've discovered I'm terrible at outlining and getting ideas off the ground, so I need to work on that and learn!
- Produce a first/beta draft of [unit] every month as long as there are any projects on the docket. It can be a chapter draft of a long work, or a draft of a one-shot.
- Other Creative Stuff Goals:
- Produce a vid draft every two months
- Produce one complete cosplay every six months
- Produce one [unit] of work on an original project every two months (overall outline, single chapter detailed outline, single chapter draft, etc.)
- Produce a vid draft every two months
- Also: produce one serious business post a month (it's not like I have a lack of thoughts and topic; just of energy and confidence).
- Do not consider self a failure if you don't meet any of these goals
There is a LOT of "what a shame" feeling at letting go of a 400-day streak. But I think that feeling is getting in the way of better goals. So, here it is, the death of the daily doodle. Many thanks to everyone who helped, commented, encouraged; and particular thanks to
renay for prodding me into it in the first place.Thoughts are! Vey very welcome =D Suggestions as well! Resources for vidding! Or cosplaying! Arting tips! Writing tips! Exclamations of thanks for sparing your reading lists! Etc =P
My biggest problem? NO CATCHY NAME
I suggested "Quotidian Creativity" but
renay may or may not have laughed at me >.>
no subject
And thanks! Someday I will break my pattern of "do a whole lot really fast, then do nothing until my next creativity panic."