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things. depressive things, etc. wow. sounds like a nice company name. Depressive Things, etc. Inc.
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4:37, august 13th.
i had collected paper, pen, and a writing surface because i'd finally decided to write out how i felt. i was going to put down on paper all the things i'd been meaning to say. i was in my hopeless mood that made me angry at the world, that made me stand in my kitchen and yell, "FUCK YOU ALL!" at nothing.
but then my mother came home with my sleeping little sister and told me it was time to do math. she gave me enough time to finish this, which i guess i'll post sometime. but the moment's passed. i still feel like crying, or screaming, or dying at last, but i don't feel like saying anything.
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so. there it is.
points:
1) i don't mind either the math or my mother. just the timing.
2) "dying at last" sounds corny and desperately drastic. but it is how i felt at the time.
and since i put the rest of the stupid thing up word for word, i let that be.
i've been reding back in my journal. starting from my first ever post.
still reading.
just finished the first entry about my mother.
was suprised to see that i said a few worthwhile things.
there is something i want everyone to know.
about me.
about who i am. how i think. what matters to me.
i am not what i say.
i am not quite what i seem.
i let so little of what i consider ME show through.
i so seldom talk about what matters to me.
i talk about such inane things.
but what i THINK about...
i think about the influences of societies on human nature, about how the imaginary number i and its dimension relates to and eben IS time, about quantum physics, about emotions and how all emotion is one big loop, how love is so close to hate, how people evolved and how we haven't changes at all, about beauty, flight, tensile strengths...
but i never say anything.
and i have yet to let someone see me in my almost constant athome state... the hopeless angry one.
the only reason i'm up here right now is because i got fed up with my circular thinking and went upstairs to DO something.
back to reading my journal.
----
4:37, august 13th.
i had collected paper, pen, and a writing surface because i'd finally decided to write out how i felt. i was going to put down on paper all the things i'd been meaning to say. i was in my hopeless mood that made me angry at the world, that made me stand in my kitchen and yell, "FUCK YOU ALL!" at nothing.
but then my mother came home with my sleeping little sister and told me it was time to do math. she gave me enough time to finish this, which i guess i'll post sometime. but the moment's passed. i still feel like crying, or screaming, or dying at last, but i don't feel like saying anything.
------------
so. there it is.
points:
1) i don't mind either the math or my mother. just the timing.
2) "dying at last" sounds corny and desperately drastic. but it is how i felt at the time.
and since i put the rest of the stupid thing up word for word, i let that be.
i've been reding back in my journal. starting from my first ever post.
still reading.
just finished the first entry about my mother.
was suprised to see that i said a few worthwhile things.
there is something i want everyone to know.
about me.
about who i am. how i think. what matters to me.
i am not what i say.
i am not quite what i seem.
i let so little of what i consider ME show through.
i so seldom talk about what matters to me.
i talk about such inane things.
but what i THINK about...
i think about the influences of societies on human nature, about how the imaginary number i and its dimension relates to and eben IS time, about quantum physics, about emotions and how all emotion is one big loop, how love is so close to hate, how people evolved and how we haven't changes at all, about beauty, flight, tensile strengths...
but i never say anything.
and i have yet to let someone see me in my almost constant athome state... the hopeless angry one.
the only reason i'm up here right now is because i got fed up with my circular thinking and went upstairs to DO something.
back to reading my journal.
----
no subject
In some ways you seemed so like me... and if this is true I know that you are the kind of person who doubts that other people think like you- because you never tell anyone what you really think, and sometimes you want to or you try, but it is like running into a wall.
Considering starting my own journal here.
Hope I didn't scare you.
Amy
no subject
and thankyou
no subject
Of course you don't let yourself through... you're an introvert!
Those are some cool thoughts. I'm attempting to get out of my house right now, and if I can I'll flee over to the library and bounce ideas to you. Then you bounce ideas to me. Yay. Uhm... this sounds too stupid... right. I hope to be able to get out of this place and send you stuff.
you!
and we really do need to talk.
etc.
more when i'm coherent.
no subject
butyes. i thought i would leave behind this comment anyway.
... once more, i wrote something and then deleted it, as it became too personal and stupid. i suppose for now all i can say is that i love you, that many people love you, and that we will be here for you in any capacity.
::hugs::
love.
pleasant dreams
jkavv