![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
dammit. can't sleep. because i fucking hurt.
greensprings Friday, mosquitos attacked me. over 20 bites on each foot and random ones on hands/arms/legs/knees.
walking hurts.
i itch.
i hate itch. pain is so much more tolerable than itch.
bites on every toe. one has two bites right on the joint. my toes are fucking SWOLLEN.
and new bites keep appearing.
because the bugs bit me so much there's enough venom to spread and form new bites.
i couldn't sleep from the itch and pain.
i'd been slathering anti-itch stuff by the tubeful on my feet all day. while doing math. while babysitting.
i soaked my feet in ice water. i soaked them in boiling water. i slathered iodine on them.
i sat and dabbed cold water at my feet with a soft towel for half and hour so i could sleep.
ha.
slathered benadryl all over them, asked my mother to bring up the fan to keep my feet cool.
while trying to adjust the fan i caught my fingers in it and broke half a fingernail off.
and started crying. sobbing.
oh, it didn't hurt, not really. i was just so tired. and frustrated.
with everything.
tired of math, my sister, my mother, tired of waiting, tired of summer, tired of learning, tired of living.
yeah. that passive death wish thing.
if i sit down and think the conclusion i almost always come to is that what i really want most is to be held and let cry and blather and just LET GO of it all. while someone was there.
no, it's not about my feet or my fingernail.
it's about everything.
from how my mother left when i wasn't 3 yet to how i can never make my parents happy to how my therapy is going nowhere to how i've stopped to matter to myself.
oh, just fuck it all.
i'm tired.
so tired.
and i can't stop crying.
greensprings Friday, mosquitos attacked me. over 20 bites on each foot and random ones on hands/arms/legs/knees.
walking hurts.
i itch.
i hate itch. pain is so much more tolerable than itch.
bites on every toe. one has two bites right on the joint. my toes are fucking SWOLLEN.
and new bites keep appearing.
because the bugs bit me so much there's enough venom to spread and form new bites.
i couldn't sleep from the itch and pain.
i'd been slathering anti-itch stuff by the tubeful on my feet all day. while doing math. while babysitting.
i soaked my feet in ice water. i soaked them in boiling water. i slathered iodine on them.
i sat and dabbed cold water at my feet with a soft towel for half and hour so i could sleep.
ha.
slathered benadryl all over them, asked my mother to bring up the fan to keep my feet cool.
while trying to adjust the fan i caught my fingers in it and broke half a fingernail off.
and started crying. sobbing.
oh, it didn't hurt, not really. i was just so tired. and frustrated.
with everything.
tired of math, my sister, my mother, tired of waiting, tired of summer, tired of learning, tired of living.
yeah. that passive death wish thing.
if i sit down and think the conclusion i almost always come to is that what i really want most is to be held and let cry and blather and just LET GO of it all. while someone was there.
no, it's not about my feet or my fingernail.
it's about everything.
from how my mother left when i wasn't 3 yet to how i can never make my parents happy to how my therapy is going nowhere to how i've stopped to matter to myself.
oh, just fuck it all.
i'm tired.
so tired.
and i can't stop crying.
no subject