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genetics (another long bitchrant post)
news: booooo...
and that is everything of any significance that i have to say.
but i shall valiantly verbalize on.
apparently, i have managed to at one point to break my tailbone and my wrists, and randomly screw up my knees.
i may also be predisposed to heart disease and maybe also depression.
well, my knees have been a little screwy since 4th grade - even had a doctors check them.
and my tailbone, however silly this seems, has been screwy since just a bit before i quite track - sitting down, on anything, however softandfluffy, hurts like hell, and it hurts more to stand up and straighten out. i probably broke it sometime. sitting on my side hurts less, so i tend to sit like that and switch which hip i sit on every once in a while.
classroom chairs are extremely unfriendly to my tailbone.
my wrists have been screwy for... a while, but moreso since i started teching and doing other random things that put strain on them. my parents think i have broken bones in my wrists - maybe even several in my right one (more than my left, in any case), as my dad has the same thing and he broke something in there (still has the shards in his wrist).
and what was making my mother feel ick earlier today, my dad said, was that her heart was going, "i shall pain thee now!"
my grandfather had heart problems - several heart attacks, and bypass surgery. this makes my mother predisposed to heart icks.
now, this is bad.
i may not be filled with joy at the thought of my mother, but i do not want her hospitalized, handicapped, or dead.
this is NOT happy.
this also makes me predisposed, but i'm not the one whose heart decided to blargh at her today.
oh, and i've been thinking for a while now that one or both of my parents may have been quite depressed at some point. my dad seems more likely, though my mother randomly waxes depressive herself.
perhaps i inherited my brain chemical balances from them, too.
so yes.
my health is, for once, bothering me.
joy.
oh, and i also need a ride to Reid's to paint his room tomorrow, as my mother is too tired and busy with heart icks and headaches and everything to give me a ride, and my dad will be working.
and the coaster is finished except for the supports.
a few last things:
i've mentioned to a few people that the endless cycle of "i hate myself, i hate myself" that is always in my head just... hasn't been for the time i've been sick. this makes me unhappy, because i do not *want* to have self-confidence/esteem/etc.
i don't want it. i truly believe it would make me arrogant.
the way i put it was, "i think i liked myself better when i hated myself."
to which the reply was, "you are a very messed-up little girl"
why, you haven't noticed?
so yes.
however, the chant may be starting again right now (yay?)
i am being told it stopping is a good thing. i guess in some ways it is.
but i really believe that self-anythingpositive will make me arrogant, so nothankyou.
oh, my psychlady is a psychiatrist.
psych-
"ologist is just 'tell me about your childhood' and iatrist goes 'how do you feel? tell me about your childhood. here, have some prozac' since they can prescribe meds."
yes. and now all of you people out there who think i *do* need meds can be happy - if i do need them, psychlady will get them to me.
yesh.
right.
done now, i think.
(oh, i'm learning to make chainmail. cause i feel like it. any tips are welcome?)
and that is everything of any significance that i have to say.
but i shall valiantly verbalize on.
apparently, i have managed to at one point to break my tailbone and my wrists, and randomly screw up my knees.
i may also be predisposed to heart disease and maybe also depression.
well, my knees have been a little screwy since 4th grade - even had a doctors check them.
and my tailbone, however silly this seems, has been screwy since just a bit before i quite track - sitting down, on anything, however softandfluffy, hurts like hell, and it hurts more to stand up and straighten out. i probably broke it sometime. sitting on my side hurts less, so i tend to sit like that and switch which hip i sit on every once in a while.
classroom chairs are extremely unfriendly to my tailbone.
my wrists have been screwy for... a while, but moreso since i started teching and doing other random things that put strain on them. my parents think i have broken bones in my wrists - maybe even several in my right one (more than my left, in any case), as my dad has the same thing and he broke something in there (still has the shards in his wrist).
and what was making my mother feel ick earlier today, my dad said, was that her heart was going, "i shall pain thee now!"
my grandfather had heart problems - several heart attacks, and bypass surgery. this makes my mother predisposed to heart icks.
now, this is bad.
i may not be filled with joy at the thought of my mother, but i do not want her hospitalized, handicapped, or dead.
this is NOT happy.
this also makes me predisposed, but i'm not the one whose heart decided to blargh at her today.
oh, and i've been thinking for a while now that one or both of my parents may have been quite depressed at some point. my dad seems more likely, though my mother randomly waxes depressive herself.
perhaps i inherited my brain chemical balances from them, too.
so yes.
my health is, for once, bothering me.
joy.
oh, and i also need a ride to Reid's to paint his room tomorrow, as my mother is too tired and busy with heart icks and headaches and everything to give me a ride, and my dad will be working.
and the coaster is finished except for the supports.
a few last things:
i've mentioned to a few people that the endless cycle of "i hate myself, i hate myself" that is always in my head just... hasn't been for the time i've been sick. this makes me unhappy, because i do not *want* to have self-confidence/esteem/etc.
i don't want it. i truly believe it would make me arrogant.
the way i put it was, "i think i liked myself better when i hated myself."
to which the reply was, "you are a very messed-up little girl"
why, you haven't noticed?
so yes.
however, the chant may be starting again right now (yay?)
i am being told it stopping is a good thing. i guess in some ways it is.
but i really believe that self-anythingpositive will make me arrogant, so nothankyou.
oh, my psychlady is a psychiatrist.
psych-
"ologist is just 'tell me about your childhood' and iatrist goes 'how do you feel? tell me about your childhood. here, have some prozac' since they can prescribe meds."
yes. and now all of you people out there who think i *do* need meds can be happy - if i do need them, psychlady will get them to me.
yesh.
right.
done now, i think.
(oh, i'm learning to make chainmail. cause i feel like it. any tips are welcome?)
no subject
self esteem will not make you feel arrogant.
self esteem is when you don't feel like you have to be better than anyone
when you have nothing to prove
and can just be and be yourself.
i think that is an admirable goal. don't be too afraid of it.