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i am extremely grateful for lalice.
weird times i'm having. blank, blank, blank, no emotion. didn't even cry at emmi's party, though cry is something i would have done there were i not emotionally dead.
which is where lalice comes in...
whether or not she's aware of it, lalice, in a strange way, keeps me going. when i lose the wonder of things, there is not much left for me. i think i live on beauty, and when i can't see or or can't find it, i get.... balnk and sad and not-there.
like... you live on food, and you need some sort of constant supply of it to live, but when you are hungry and can't find any to eat....
what lalice does is be a constant beauty. ... Amazing Human Being.
she sees things differently, and she is one of the few people who i'm never not-happy to see.
i can't quite explain it... maybe lalice will understand.
lalice is my midnight snack of beauty.
she remains beautiful even when all else i look to for beauty is gray and dull.
lalice, if you understand this... thank you.
right. long lalicespiel over.
other news... no news.
there are a few more people around vaguely like lalice, though she is most constant. Benellis for one. Claire, in a bittersweet sense. Rosie, in a slightly different sort of way.... which is strange and worth talkign about, but i won't because i won't. notforjournal.
James is a Vastly Amusing Child.
i want to watch Edward Scissorhands.
i want to cry.... haven't cried in a while, and i feel that i need to... i wanted to cry at lemly's but i couldn't. dead. yay emotional deadness.
what the fstarking hell is wrong with me?
*sigh*
exibitionist bitch.
apathy... sucks. when it is in this form and in me, it sucks.
i need to wake up.... floating. not awake and not asleep and either would be better but i'm not brave enought o fall asleep and not strong enough to wake up. so on i float.
and so it goes.
something Zack said....
Life is like a box of chocolates...
You try to eat it all but get sick if you manage.
oh, how i wish i were sick right now instead of starving and not caring about it....
is this in spite of me or because of me? i don't know. do i want to? maybe.
really, i'm not that bad. just passively dead, which is much better than i could be, i suppose, and much better than much of troupe.
i just wonder sometimes.
and it seems like all is dying/leaving all the world to mourn...
except all isn't dying... there is a prettyspark... maybe it will get bigger?
yay for Kate.
i made up a word.
dehugdrated.
it means you need hugs.
why do i always get the impression that Patrick Jones is dehugdrated?
also Ben, but different. i hope nothing happens to him.... i heard he was bad last yer, better this year, but he broke down during break before seventh and me and Rosie and Sylvie were there.
something special. Ben. night of party. he knows me in a way different from many others. in some ways better even than lalice or Reid. something special there. a friend for a longtime i hope...?
i ramble... i need a nap, but i'm resisting the sleep... i wonder why.
i once said this at circle, but it may mean more to people now that i've randomly blurted to the world about living on beauty:
thank you to anyone who ever meant anything to anybody, because that is beautiful.
weird times i'm having. blank, blank, blank, no emotion. didn't even cry at emmi's party, though cry is something i would have done there were i not emotionally dead.
which is where lalice comes in...
whether or not she's aware of it, lalice, in a strange way, keeps me going. when i lose the wonder of things, there is not much left for me. i think i live on beauty, and when i can't see or or can't find it, i get.... balnk and sad and not-there.
like... you live on food, and you need some sort of constant supply of it to live, but when you are hungry and can't find any to eat....
what lalice does is be a constant beauty. ... Amazing Human Being.
she sees things differently, and she is one of the few people who i'm never not-happy to see.
i can't quite explain it... maybe lalice will understand.
lalice is my midnight snack of beauty.
she remains beautiful even when all else i look to for beauty is gray and dull.
lalice, if you understand this... thank you.
right. long lalicespiel over.
other news... no news.
there are a few more people around vaguely like lalice, though she is most constant. Benellis for one. Claire, in a bittersweet sense. Rosie, in a slightly different sort of way.... which is strange and worth talkign about, but i won't because i won't. notforjournal.
James is a Vastly Amusing Child.
i want to watch Edward Scissorhands.
i want to cry.... haven't cried in a while, and i feel that i need to... i wanted to cry at lemly's but i couldn't. dead. yay emotional deadness.
what the fstarking hell is wrong with me?
*sigh*
exibitionist bitch.
apathy... sucks. when it is in this form and in me, it sucks.
i need to wake up.... floating. not awake and not asleep and either would be better but i'm not brave enought o fall asleep and not strong enough to wake up. so on i float.
and so it goes.
something Zack said....
Life is like a box of chocolates...
You try to eat it all but get sick if you manage.
oh, how i wish i were sick right now instead of starving and not caring about it....
is this in spite of me or because of me? i don't know. do i want to? maybe.
really, i'm not that bad. just passively dead, which is much better than i could be, i suppose, and much better than much of troupe.
i just wonder sometimes.
and it seems like all is dying/leaving all the world to mourn...
except all isn't dying... there is a prettyspark... maybe it will get bigger?
yay for Kate.
i made up a word.
dehugdrated.
it means you need hugs.
why do i always get the impression that Patrick Jones is dehugdrated?
also Ben, but different. i hope nothing happens to him.... i heard he was bad last yer, better this year, but he broke down during break before seventh and me and Rosie and Sylvie were there.
something special. Ben. night of party. he knows me in a way different from many others. in some ways better even than lalice or Reid. something special there. a friend for a longtime i hope...?
i ramble... i need a nap, but i'm resisting the sleep... i wonder why.
i once said this at circle, but it may mean more to people now that i've randomly blurted to the world about living on beauty:
thank you to anyone who ever meant anything to anybody, because that is beautiful.
no subject
thank you.
not only was that beautifully written, was nice to read, the words flowed, but the meaning is understood and registered and appreciated..
i think i understand. you show me myself being viewed as such, and i can see it, but i have difficulty viewing myself as such...that make much sense? passively, but yeah.
i think very few things inspire as much as someone telling you that they think you are worth something.
*giggle*. im a midnight snack. :)
but yesh. courage. you have much. and see things differently as well...how many people do you know would fear a vulnerable feeling one may get when they admit that something is important?
as for crying, or rather notbeingableto, dont worry about it. really. sure, its a bad thing if you want it to be, but it will change. all things change with time. come as they will, do you believe tears come from conscious or unconscious? doesnt matter in the slightest which is universally true, what do you believe?
and have you heard anything by our lady peace?
*hug* sleep well and dream.