wow. i never update.

[justira]

today made me think.

no, not much happened today. i just decide to be different and think, sometimes.

it occurs to me that living inside a bubble isn't healthy. that is a rather idle though, however. i like this bubble. it's not completely isolated.

it used to be that i would ignore myself completely, because i just sucked too much as a person to be paid attention to, and would only be concerned with the outside. other people.

now... i don't know. do i concern myself with the outside world enough?
i never cared about newspapers, or magazines. rather selfish and egocentric of me, but i never did give a damn as to what the rest of the world was doing. rather stubborn in that way. just doing whatever i feel like, come hell or high water, and the rest of the world could just go screw itself.

heh. that's silly.

music.

i love music. so much of it is beautiful, and i know i've always wished that i had a talent for music, but i don't.
ahwell
Alice wrote about how she never listens to some songs - they're too beautiful.

i have something like that. not quite. i overplay songs to myself... i listen to different groups of songs (they're not set, very fluid) for different moods and times of my life... and i layer those songs, in that way, with meaning and emotional relevancy.

the groups change... they blend into one another... at one point, i had a mix of super-angst vnv and gbs drinking songs... right now, it's mellow and slow. pretty.

it's just strange... sometimes i make myself listen to music from various times in my life. from this summer. last summer. three years ago. last spring.

last spring.

*sigh*

i do not think i have been magically cured of depression. hell, mine's all special and Cyclic. ooh.
however, i'm happy right now.

i still don't like being at home, hate my grades, don't eat, don't sleep... but it's not as desperate. it doesn't feel like every breath i take is raspy with both effort and a lack of it, like every moment is an immediate Now, Now, Now, and it's just a matter of how many Nows you can stand.

depression isn't something i hate. it has strange connections in my mind. it brings a sort of enlightenment with it. i do not believe that people who are happy their whole lives are truly happy. true happiness can only be achieved by seeing all sides of life, the happy and the sad, the beautiful and the heartbreakingly cruel, the stupidity of people and the brilliance of individuals.
it is in its own way pessimistic, i guess. a kind of, i am happy despite... rather than an i am happy because.
however, that's what i believe.

to live every day like it's an obligation put on you... as if you are only alive because you have to make sure this one person is okay, this person will live through the night, or only alive out of pure inertia... a state of, "who cares, anyway? what does it matter if i'm alive or dead?".. because, really that's the only reason you're not dead.

a suspended animation.

last spring was dark. a sensation, impression, of it being hard to breathe, because i did not want to, of darkness, of glints of steel, encompassing it all. and another period over the summer.
it seems to come in the middle of each season.

i do not want people to be depressed. that's not the point.
depression is.. horrid.
a feeling of being alone, always. ungrateful. people trying to help, but what do they know? what can they do? not ever saying everything that was wrong, just giving enough excuse to be left alone.
why can't you feel better? they all seem to care.
but so what?
and it'd be so easy.
just a slice. or a swallow. or a shot. and then nothing. no pain. no parents, pets, teachers, grades, beatings, friends, pain, voices, voices, voices.

silence, forever.

so lovely.

but you have to stay alive.
apparently, you're needed.
or just too damn lazy to do a thing with yourself, and you just think that maybe, if you don't move and don't talk, maybe they'll all forget you and you can just be alone, leave the world behind. retreat completely inwards.

but no. you're made to eat. you fall asleep in the middle of the room, because that's where you stopped being able to walk.

your mother's there. parents. they want a future for you. they'd be sad if you died, maybe.

and you just hurt so much.

or you don't feel at all, and then you don't care when your mother fights or when someone you used to know twists your mind.


tangent.

not all of it.
not even a part.

glimpses, i guess. fragments of memory.

it's not words.

it's not something you say.

it just is.


and despite anything..

you're happy.




it's true. happiness is not a destination. you cannot set out to find happiness... it doesn't work that way.
you can't force yourself to be happy. you can't think, i must be able to get myself out of this, i must be able to heal myself, i can make myself happy, i don't need this.

no, it just happens.

you just stumble on it.

and i just wish more people did that. it's like watching the sun rise.